I worked.
That is the honest answer.
I filled the uncertainty with work
the way you fill a crack in a wall
to keep the cold out,
the way you stay busy
so the waiting has less room
to become the only thing in the room.
I built new courses.
I revised the old ones.
I researched things no one asked me to research
because the research gave me somewhere to put the energy
that had nowhere else to go.
I sat on committees.
I answered emails I was not required to answer.
I attended the things that were optional
and made them less optional by attending,
which is a way of being useful
that is also a way of being visible,
which is a way of making yourself
harder to remove.
I understand now what I was doing.
I was making myself indispensable
as a substitute for making myself secure.
Those are not the same thing.
I learned that the slow way.
Indispensable means they keep using you.
Secure means you have rights.
I confused them for a long time
because the confusion was useful to the institution
and I did not yet understand
whose interests I was serving.
I understand now.
I am still a person who works.
That has not changed.
But now I work because the work is good,
not because the work is armor.
The distinction is everything.
Trabajé para llenar el vacío. Ahora trabajo para llenar el presente.
I worked to fill the emptiness. Now I work to fill the present.
