Day Nine: El Ritmo (Morning)

Reading Time: 8 minutes

When the Body Finally Rests


Understanding Sleep Architecture and What It Requires for Healing

Title: Desert Rose

Photograph from “Day Nine: El Ritmo (Morning)”, image 1.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

To understand why last night matters so much, why one night of unbroken sleep marks such an important moment in this healing process, I need to explain how sleep actually works. I came to grasp this fully only after reading the research. Sleep is layered, active work. It is far more than “being unconscious” for seven or eight hours. Sleep is a process, a carefully organized progression through distinct stages that unfolds in a specific order throughout the night. Researchers refer to this pattern as sleep architecture (Walker, 2017).

Here is how it works. When we sleep, we move through stages. There are stages of light sleep, which researchers call Stage 1 and Stage 2 non-rapid eye movement sleep, or non-REM sleep for short. Then there is deep sleep, the third stage of non-REM sleep. Scientists also call this slow-wave sleep because, when they measure brain activity during this stage with an electroencephalogram, they see large, slow waves. Finally, there is rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, named for the rapid eye movements that occur during this stage, even though the body is asleep (Walker, 2017).

We cycle through all stages all night. Instead, we repeatedly cycle through all of these stages. One complete cycle, from light sleep through deep sleep to REM sleep and back, takes about ninety minutes. A good night’s sleep involves completing four to six of these cycles, which is why we need seven to nine hours of sleep (Walker, 2017).

What I am learning is that each stage does something different and important for the body and mind. Light sleep is a transitional state. It eases us from being awake into deeper states. During this stage, our heart rate slows, our breathing steadies, and we begin to disconnect from what is happening around us. Deep slow-wave sleep is when the body undergoes physical repair. This is when tissues heal, the immune system strengthens, growth hormones are released, and our brains store the factual information we learned during the day, the kind of memory we can consciously recall later (Walker, 2017). REM sleep does different work. This is when we process emotions, when our brains integrate new learning with what we already know, when creative problem-solving happens, and when our psychological equilibrium gets maintained (Germain, 2013; Walker, 2017).

When sleep gets fragmented, when we wake up frequently or leave cycles incomplete, we miss essential processes. The body is unable to finish its maintenance work. This is what had been happening to me for months.

What the research taught me, and what my own body confirmed over these nine days, is that this architecture requires a specific function of the nervous system. Progression through these stages occurs only when the nervous system is in a particular state. Stephen Porges (2011, 2022), who developed a model of how the nervous system responds to safety and threat, calls this the state of genuine safety and connection. I will explain what this means because it is central to understanding what changed last night.

The genuine safety complex is part of the parasympathetic nervous system, which is associated with rest and restoration. Porges describes it as the most recent evolutionary branch of this system, unique to mammals. When we are in this state of genuine safety and connection, we feel safe. Our bodies can engage socially with others. Porges calls this “mammalian calm,” the state that allows for rest, restoration, intimacy, and even play. You can recognize this state in the body: the heart rate steadies with healthy variability, breathing is calm, the facial muscles relax, and we can make comfortable eye contact with others. And critically for sleep, in this state, we can surrender to unconsciousness without our nervous system remaining vigilant, constantly scanning for threats (Porges, 2011, 2022).

Title: Crown of Thorns

Photograph from “Day Nine: El Ritmo (Morning)”, image 2.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

The problem is that when the nervous system remains in a defensive state, sleep deteriorates. There are two main defensive states. One is the body’s alert state, commonly known as the fight-or-flight response. When this system activates, heart rate increases, cortisol rises, muscles tense, and alertness heightens. The body is preparing to fight or run. The other defensive state is dorsal vagal shutdown, also known as the freeze or collapse response. This is when the body immobilizes, when we dissociate, when we metaphorically “play dead” because the threat feels overwhelming (Porges, 2011, 2022). When the nervous system stays in either of these defensive states, sleep becomes fragmented, shallow, and non-restorative (Germain, 2013; Mellman et al., 2002). The state of constant alertness, always scanning for potential threats, prevents the deep relaxation that complete sleep cycles require. The nervous system resists fully surrendering to sleep because, below conscious awareness, it assesses that doing so would leave us vulnerable to harm.

The research on trauma makes this relationship very clear. People diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, show severely disrupted sleep across multiple measures. Their sleep architecture looks broken. They obtain significantly less slow-wave sleep, resulting in less physical restoration. Their REM sleep is highly fragmented, compromising emotional processing. They wake frequently during the night, driven by what researchers call autonomic the body stuck in high alert, the nervous system’s persistent scanning for threat operating even during sleep (Germain, 2013; Mellman et al., 2002; van der Kolk, 2014).

But here is what matters for understanding my own experience: diagnosable PTSD is unnecessary to experience these patterns. Chronic occupational stress, particularly the sustained and unpredictable stress of precarious employment, produces remarkably similar patterns through the same underlying mechanism (Åkerstedt, 2006; Lallukka et al., 2010). Economic precarity, the sustained threat to livelihood and financial security, generates the same kind of autonomic the body stuck in high alert that traumatic events produce. The nervous system cannot distinguish between different types of threats to survival. It responds to the pattern of threat rather than to the specific content.

When I say I slept through the night, I mean that my autonomic nervous system maintained a state of genuine safety and connection, that state of felt safety, across multiple ninety-minute sleep cycles for seven consecutive hours. My body held the physiological state associated with safety long enough to complete the full restorative architecture of sleep. This is something my system has been unable to accomplish for longer than I want to admit.

Title: Desert Rose

Photograph from “Day Nine: El Ritmo (Morning)”, image 3.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Nine days. Nine complete cycles of consistent environmental cues, predictable daily rhythms, and the systematic absence of things my nervous system reads as threats. That is what it took for my nervous system to shift its baseline assessment from “unsafe, must remain vigilant” to “safe enough to rest completely.”

Table 1

Sleep Architecture and Autonomic States: Physiological Functions, Indicators, and Impacts of Disruption

Sleep Stage or Physiological StateCategoryDescription and Biological FunctionPhysical IndicatorsImpact of Disruption or StressKey Research CitationsSource
Stage 1 & 2 Non-REMNon-REM Sleep (Light Sleep)Transitional states that ease the body from wakefulness into deeper sleep and progressive disconnection from the environment, supporting essential maintenance processes and preparation for restorative sleep.Slowing heart rate; steadier breathing; reduced muscle tone.Fragmentation disrupts maintenance processes and prevents progression into deeper restorative sleep cycles.Walker (2017)The Architecture of Sleep and the Science of Safety
Stage 3 Slow-wave SleepNon-REM Sleep (Deep Sleep)Primary stage for physical repair, tissue healing, immune strengthening, and growth hormone release; supports consolidation of factual and recallable memories.Large, slow brain waves measured by EEG (delta waves).Loss of physical restoration; markedly reduced in individuals experiencing chronic stress or PTSD.Walker (2017); Germain (2013); Mellman et al. (2002); van der Kolk (2014)The Architecture of Sleep and the Science of Safety
REM SleepRapid Eye Movement SleepProcesses emotions, integrates new learning with prior knowledge, supports creativity, and maintains psychological balance.Rapid eye movements with muscle atonia; variable heart rate and breathing.Fragmentation impairs emotional processing and memory integration; commonly interrupted by autonomic the body stuck in high alert in PTSD.Walker (2017); Germain (2013); Mellman et al. (2002)The Architecture of Sleep and the Science of Safety
a state of genuine safety and connectionParasympathetic State (Rest and Restoration)State of felt safety that enables rest, social engagement, and the capacity to surrender to unconsciousness without vigilance.Steady heart rate with healthy variability; calm breathing; relaxed facial muscles; ease in eye contact.Inability to sustain this state interrupts restorative sleep cycles and shifts the system into defensive states.Porges (2011, 2022)The Architecture of Sleep and the Science of Safety
the body’s alert stateDefensive State (Fight-or-Flight)Mobilization response to perceived threat, maintaining alertness and readiness for action.Elevated heart rate; increased cortisol; muscle tension; heightened alertness.Sleep becomes shallow, fragmented, and non-restorative as the body resists relinquishing vigilance.Porges (2011, 2022); Germain (2013); Mellman et al. (2002)The Architecture of Sleep and the Science of Safety
Dorsal Vagal ShutdownDefensive State (Freeze or Collapse)Immobilization response to overwhelming threat, associated with dissociation and withdrawal.Reduced movement; dissociation; lowered metabolic activity.Produces fragmented, non-restorative sleep and prevents the deep relaxation required for full sleep architecture.Porges (2011, 2022); Germain (2013); Mellman et al. (2002)The Architecture of Sleep and the Science of Safety

Note: This table integrates sleep-stage physiology with autonomic nervous system states to illustrate how safety, threat, and stress shape sleep quality. It emphasizes the interdependence between sleep architecture and autonomic regulation in restorative sleep and in trauma-related disruption.

Title: The Science of Resorative Sleep

Photograph from “Day Nine: El Ritmo (Morning)”, image 4.

Created by Notebook LM, 2026

This moment has clarified that restorative sleep is neither accidental nor simply a matter of time spent in bed. It is an embodied outcome of safety. Sleep architecture unfolds fully when the nervous system assesses the environment and the broader conditions of life as safe enough to release vigilance. One uninterrupted night mattered because it marked a physiological shift rather than a behavioural one. My body sustained a state of genuine safety and connection long enough to complete multiple cycles of repair, integration, and emotional processing. Healing, in this sense, emerged through conditions rather than effort. It arose as the threat receded, rhythms stabilized, and my nervous system received permission to rest. This understanding reframes sleep as a diagnostic signal of safety and a quiet indicator of recovery already underway.

References

Åkerstedt, T. (2006). Psychosocial stress and impaired sleep. Scandinavian Journal of Work, Environment & Health, 32(6), 493–501. https://doi.org/10.5271/sjweh.1054

Germain, A. (2013). Sleep disturbances as the hallmark of PTSD: Where are we now? American Journal of Psychiatry, 170(4), 372–382. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2012.12040432

Lallukka, T., Rahkonen, O., Lahelma, E., & Arber, S. (2010). Sleep complaints in middle-aged women and men: The contribution of working conditions and work-family conflicts. Journal of Sleep Research, 19(3), 466–477. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1365-2869.2010.00821.x

Mellman, T. A., Bustamante, V., Fins, A. I., Pigeon, W. R., & Nolan, B. (2002). REM sleep and the early development of posttraumatic stress disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 159(10), 1696–1701. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.159.10.1696

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and finding our own calm. W. W. Norton & Company.

Porges, S. W. (2022). Polyvagal Theory: A science of safety. Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience, 16, Article 871227. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnint.2022.871227

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

Walker, M. (2017). Why we sleep: Unlocking the power of sleep and dreams. Scribner.

Google. (2026). The science of restorative sleep [AI-generated image]. NotebookLM. https://notebooklm.google.com

Academic Lens

Finding a morning rhythm in a new place is a form of what Csikszentmihalyi (1990) calls the early conditions for flow: a structure that is self-chosen, repeatable, and calibrated to one's own pace. The body's uptake of a different daily rhythm also reflects Porges's (2011) nervous system model: the nervous system steadying one another with the environment rather than with institutional time. Rhythm, here, is a body-based baseline from which genuine inquiry becomes possible.

Day Six: El Cuerpo Comienza a Recordar la Seguridad

Reading Time: 13 minutes

Title: Brown Pelican

Photograph from “Day Six: El Cuerpo Comienza a Recordar la Seguridad”, image 1.
Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

The Body Begins to Remember Safety

I woke this morning without an alarm, and for several minutes I lay still, noticing.

My shoulders rested flat against the mattress. My jaw hung loose. My breath moved in long, unhurried waves, rising and falling like the sea I could hear through the open window. These details might seem unremarkable to someone who has always slept peacefully, but for me, they marked a shift I had almost forgotten was possible.

For years, I have woken braced. Shoulders already climbing toward my ears. Jaw clenched against the night. Breath shallow and quick, as though the day’s demands had already begun pressing against my chest before I opened my eyes. I had normalized this state to the point that I no longer recognized it as anything other than how mornings felt.

This morning was different. The body had begun to remember something older than vigilance. It had started to remember safety.
And with that, remembering came something I had tried to avoid. The grief.

The Science of Felt Safety

Stephen Porges (2011, 2022), the neuroscientist who developed the Polyvagal Theory, helps me understand what happened this morning. Safety is a physiological state rather than a thought, regulated by the autonomic nervous system below the level of conscious awareness. We arrive there through the body first. Porges calls this the body’s instinct to scan for safety: the body reading the environment and deciding, before the mind catches up, whether we are safe.

Title: The Pool

Photograph from “Day Six: El Cuerpo Comienza a Recordar la Seguridad”, image 2.
Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

The body’s instinct to scan for safety

The body’s instinct to scan for safety refers to the nervous system’s continuous, unconscious scanning of the environment and internal bodily signals for cues of safety, danger, or life threat (Porges, 2003, 2004). Unlike perception, which involves conscious awareness and interpretation, the body’s instinct to scan for safety operates below the threshold of awareness, triggering reflexive shifts in autonomic state without requiring conscious evaluation of the environment. This process evolved to enable our ancestors to respond rapidly to threats, but it can become miscalibrated by chronic stress, trauma, or prolonged exposure to demanding environments.

Porges’s (2011) polyvagal theory proposes that mammals possess three primary autonomic states, each associated with distinct neural circuits that emerged at different points in evolutionary history (Porges, 2011). These states form a hierarchy, with the newest and most sophisticated circuit supporting social connection and calm, and the oldest supporting immobilization and shutdown.

What I Am Learning in the Body

Understanding the theory helps me name what I have been experiencing. For much of the past several years, and perhaps much longer, my nervous system has operated in a state of chronic alert. The demands of academic work, the precarity of contract positions, the emotional labour of supporting students through their own struggles, the vigilance required to navigate institutional politics: all of these kept my body in a low-grade state of mobilization, ready to respond to the next challenge, the next deadline, the next crisis.

I became so accustomed to this state that I mistook it for normal. The tight shoulders, the clenched jaw, the shallow breathing, the difficulty sleeping through the night: these seemed features of adult life rather than symptoms of a nervous system stuck in defence mode. Bessel van der Kolk (2014) describes how people who have experienced chronic stress often feel perpetually unsafe within their own bodies. The body becomes a place of tension rather than rest, alert rather than ease.

Here, by the Sea of Cortez, something is shifting. The cues my nervous system receives have changed. The rhythm of the waves provides what Porges might call prosodic cues of safety: low-frequency sounds that signal the absence of threat. The warmth of the sun, the slow pace of the days, the absence of urgent demands, and the faces of people moving without hurry all communicate safety to a body that has been listening for danger.

Deb Dana (2018, 2020), whose work translates how the nervous system responds to safety and threat into practical application, describes the process of befriending one’s nervous system. She writes about learning to notice the micro-moments of genuine safety connection, what she calls glimmers: small sparks of safety and calm that can be cultivated and expanded over time. I am learning to notice these glimmers here. The warmth of coffee in my hands. The sound of pelicans diving. The way my breath deepens when I sit by the water.

Title: Pelicans Waiting for Dinner

Photograph from “Day Six: El Cuerpo Comienza a Recordar la Seguridad”, image 3.
Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

The Grief That Comes With Softening

But here is what arrived unbidden: as the body begins to soften, grief rises to meet it.

This morning, after noticing my loose jaw and flat shoulders, I lay in the early light and felt the tears come. They were tears of relief, certainly, but they were also tears of mourning. Mourning for all the years I spent braced against a world that demanded constant vigilance. Mourning for the woman who took on contract after contract because she was terrified that if she said no, there would be nothing. Mourning for the version of myself who believed she had to be everything for everyone, and who quietly disappeared in the effort.

Miriam Greenspan (2003), in her essential work Healing Through the Dark Emotions, argues that grief, fear, and despair are transformative rather than pathological when we allow ourselves to experience them fully. She calls this process emotional alchemy: the transmutation of difficult emotions into wisdom and connection. But the alchemy only works if we are willing to feel what we have been avoiding.

Title: The Circle of Life

Photograph from “Day Six: El Cuerpo Comienza a Recordar la Seguridad”, image 4.
Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Emotional Alchemy

Emotional alchemy refers to the transformational process through which emotions culturally labelled as negative, such as grief, fear, and despair, can become pathways to gratitude, joy, and faith when they are authentically and mindfully felt rather than suppressed or bypassed (Greenspan, 2003). This framework challenges the dominant cultural emphasis on emotional control and positivity, suggesting instead that what we call healing requires moving through rather than around rugged emotional terrain.

I have been avoiding this grief for a very long time. There was no space for it in a life organized around survival. When you are juggling three contracts across two institutions, preparing courses in whatever hours remain after committee meetings and student advising, there is no time to sit with the question of what you might be losing in the process. The hamster wheel of precarious academic labour does what it is designed to do: it keeps you running too fast to notice that you are running in place.

An Accounting of What Was Lost

What did I lose in those years of overwork and fear-driven striving? The list is long, and I am only beginning to acknowledge it.

Time with people I love. The dinners declined because I had marking. The phone calls were cut short because I had to prepare for tomorrow’s class. The visits went untaken because there was no time, no money, no energy left over after the institution had taken its share.

My own creative work. The writing projects set aside, year after year, while I wrote endless course outlines, assessment rubrics and committee reports. The ideas flickered and faded for lack of sustained time to develop them.

My health. The chronic tension I normalized. The sleep I sacrificed. The stress that accumulated in my body while I told myself I was fine, I could handle it, this was just what working hard looked like.

Presence. The capacity to be fully present where I was, rather than mentally composing tomorrow’s lecture or worrying about next semester’s contract while sitting at my own dinner table. The ability to rest without feeling guilty, to play without calculating what I should be accomplishing instead.

Myself. Somewhere along the way, in trying to be everything for everyone, I lost track of who I was outside of producing, performing, and proving my worth through labour. The woman who existed before she became a human productivity machine.

Title: Crab Life

Photograph from “Day Six: El Cuerpo Comienza a Recordar la Seguridad”, image 5.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

The Fear Beneath the Overwork

Why did I accept so many contracts? Why did I work through weekends, through holidays, through the body’s increasingly urgent signals that something was wrong?

The answer is simple and painful: fear.

Fear that if I said no to one contract, there might never be another. Fear that I would be forgotten, passed over, rendered invisible in a system that treats contract employees as interchangeable parts. Fear that my value depended entirely on my usefulness, and that the moment I stopped being maximally useful, I would cease to matter

This fear was entirely rational. The conditions of precarious academic employment are designed to produce exactly this kind of anxiety. As I explored in my earlier research on contract faculty experiences, the structure of term-by-term appointments creates what scholars have called artificial scarcity: a manufactured sense that opportunities are scarce, competition is fierce. One must constantly prove one’s worth to secure even temporary belonging.

Title: Prayers for the Sailors

Photograph from “Day Six: El Cuerpo Comienza a Recordar la Seguridad”, image 6.
Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Artificial Scarcity

Artificial scarcity is the institutional production of resource scarcity that serves extractive logics rather than reflecting genuine constraints. In academic contexts, this manifests as deliberately limited contract renewals, competition for positions that could be made permanent, and funding models that pit workers against one another for resources that institutions choose to withhold. The effect is to transfer risk from institution to worker while intensifying individual self-exploitation to maintain employability.

Greenspan (2003) writes that suppressed fear often converts into anxiety, a state of constant alertness, always scanning for danger, or what she calls “toxic rage” that finds no appropriate outlet. For me, the fear transmuted into overwork: a constant striving that kept the terror at bay by keeping me too busy to feel it. The hamster wheel spun fast enough that I could pretend I was going somewhere.

Allowing the Dark Emotions

Title: The Land Before Time

Photograph from “Day Six: El Cuerpo Comienza a Recordar la Seguridad”, image 7.
Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Greenspan (2003) insists that we cannot heal by bypassing the dark emotions. We can only heal by moving through them. This morning, lying in the grey light with tears running into my hair, I began to let myself grieve what was lost.

I grieved for the years of contracted time, sold in increments to institutions that refused to commit. I grieved for the version of myself who believed she had to earn her right to exist through constant productivity. I grieved for the students I taught while running on empty, giving them less than they deserved because I had nothing left to give. I grieved for the relationships I neglected, the boundaries I failed to uphold, and the needs I refused to acknowledge, because acknowledging them would have required slowing down.

And I grieved for the woman I might have become if I had been able to trust that I was enough. The woman who wrote her own work, who rested without guilt, who knew her value, stood apart from her usefulness to others. The woman who could be, without having to justify her existence through labour constantly.

That woman is still possible. She is emerging slowly, her shoulders learning to drop and her jaw to soften. However, her emergence requires mourning the years during which she had been unable to exist fully. Grief is part of becoming.

Title: Pillars of Life

Photograph from “Day Six: El Cuerpo Comienza a Recordar la Seguridad”, image 8.
Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

A Body-based Record

Following the methodology I developed for this project, I have been tracking my body-based state each morning and evening. The patterns are beginning to reveal themselves. What I notice now is that the emergence of grief marks a new phase in the body’s work. The nervous system begins to settle, and the emotions held at bay by chronic activation begin to surface.

Table 1
body journal: Days 1–6

DayMorning ObservationEvening ObservationPrimary State
1Tight chest, shallow breathing, jaw clenchedRestless, difficulty settlingSA
2Woke with a loose jawSome softening after water timeSA → VV
3Breath deeper, still some tensionEasier sleep, fewer interruptionsSA/VV
4Woke with a loose jawCalm, present, groundedVV
5Woke with a looser jawEmotional release, then peaceSA → VV
6Shoulders flat, jaw loose; grief aroseTears for lost years; then gentle calmVV + grief

Note. States are classified according to Porges’s (2011) polyvagal theory (Porges, 2011). VV = genuine safety; SA = the body’s alert state. The trajectory across Days 1–6 reflects a gradual shift from the body’s alert state toward genuine safety regulation, with grief emerging as a regulated and tolerable affective state.

Day six marks the continuation of physical settling alongside the emergence of emotional content that demands its own kind of attention. The body softens enough to feel what it has been protecting me from feeling. This is precisely what Greenspan describes: the dark emotions arise when we finally create conditions safe enough to hold them.

Complicating the Framework

Title: Paradise

Photograph from “Day Six: El Cuerpo Comienza a Recordar la Seguridad”, image 9.
Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

It would be tempting to treat this grief as purely personal, a private mourning for private losses. But intellectual honesty requires acknowledging the structural dimensions of my experience. My nervous system became thrown off balance through specific, structural conditions. The conditions of precarious academic labour, the expectations of constant productivity, and the erosion of secure employment are systemic features of contemporary work that affect millions.

Byung-Chul Han (2010/2015), in The Burnout Society, describes how neoliberal economies produce subjects who exploit themselves more thoroughly than any external master could. We become subjects of achievement, experiencing our self-exploitation as freedom, as choice, as personal ambition. The violence is hidden because it comes from within. The exhaustion feels like personal failure rather than structural extraction.

Healing my own nervous system, while valuable, leaves untouched the conditions that initially caused the nervous system to be thrown off balance. I hold both truths: personal healing matters, and structural change remains necessary. The grief I feel this morning is mine, but it is also collective. It belongs to every contract worker who said yes when they wanted to say no. It applies to anyone who has tried to be everything for everyone and lost themselves in the effort.

Title: The Monkey Face

Photograph from “Day Six: El Cuerpo Comienza a Recordar la Seguridad”, image 10.
Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

The Body Archive

One of the most generative ideas I have encountered in my research is the body as archive. The body stores experience in ways that resist verbal articulation but emerge vividly through attention to body-based sensation. Muscle tension, posture, breath patterns, sensory associations: these hold histories that may never have been consciously processed or integrated into narrative memory.

When I notice my shoulders dropping, I am reading the archive. The body is releasing its record of vigilance, one slight relaxation at a time. When my jaw softens in sleep, the body is revising its story, replacing the narrative of threat with emerging evidence of safety. When tears come, the body finally allows what was stored to flow outward. The grief I feel is archived, years of unshed tears for years of unlived moments.

van der Kolk (2014) describes trauma as an experience that becomes stuck in the body, unable to complete its natural cycle of activation and discharge. The inverse may also be true: healing becomes possible when the body finds conditions that allow it to complete cycles interrupted by chronic stress. The sea, the warmth, the solitude, the absence of demand: these may be creating the conditions my body needs to process what it has been carrying. The grief is part of that processing.

Title: Sea Lions

Photograph from “Day Six: El Cuerpo Comienza a Recordar la Seguridad”, image 11.

What the Pelicans Know

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Later this morning, after the tears had passed and I had dressed and walked to the water, I watched the pelicans again. They rest on the water between dives, floating with apparent ease, their bodies loose and buoyant. They seem to know something about the alternation between effort and rest, between activation and recovery, that I am only now beginning to learn.

The pelicans show no sign of grief. But perhaps that is because they have never lost access to their own rhythm. They have never been asked to produce constantly, to prove their worth through labour, to fear that rest makes them dispensable. They dive when hungry, float when satisfied, and fly when they choose. The simplicity of it undoes something in me.

Porges (2022) argues that safety is a biological imperative, suggesting that social connectedness and the experience of felt safety are fundamental human needs wired into our physiology. Perhaps the grief I feel is the recognition of how long I lived without this safety, how long I ran on vigilance and fear, how much I sacrificed to a system that asked everything and offered no guarantee in return.

Day six. The shoulders are learning to drop. The jaw is learning to soften. The breath is learning to deepen. And the tears are learning to fall. All of it is necessary. All of it is the body doing its quiet work of remembering what it means to be safe, and mourning the years when safety had been beyond reach.

Greenspan (2003) promises that, when fully felt, grief transmutes into gratitude. I am still on the way. But I trust the process. I trust the tears. I trust the sea and the pelicans and this slow, patient body, finally allowed to feel what it has been carrying.

Safety, it turns out, is something the body both recognizes and grieves. It is something the body grieves when it finally arrives.

Title: The Path

Photograph from “Day Six: El Cuerpo Comienza a Recordar la Seguridad”, image 12.
Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Title: Life on the Sea

Photograph from “Day Six: El Cuerpo Comienza a Recordar la Seguridad”, image 13.
Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

I am still here.

References

Dana, D. (2018).
The Polyvagal Theory in therapy: Engaging the rhythm of regulation.
W. W. Norton.

Dana, D. (2020).
nervous system exercises for safety and connection: 50 client-centred practices.
W. W. Norton.

Greenspan, M. (2003).
Healing through the dark emotions: The wisdom of grief, fear, and despair.
Shambhala Publications.

Han, B.-C. (2015).
The burnout society.
Stanford University Press.

Porges, S. W. (2003).
Social engagement and attachment: A phylogenetic perspective.
Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1008(1), 31–47.
https://doi.org/10.1196/annals.1301.004

Porges, S. W. (2004). The body’s instinct to scan for safety: A subconscious system for detecting threats and safety. Zero to Three, 24(5), 19–24.

Porges, S. W. (2011).
The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and finding our own calm.
W. W. Norton.

Porges, S. W. (2022).
how the nervous system responds to safety and threat: A science of safety.
Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience, 16, Article 871227.
https://doi.org/10.3389/fnint.2022.871227

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014).
The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma.
Viking.

Note. Spanish-language passages were generated using Google Translate (Google, n.d.) and subsequently reviewed and refined by the author. Any remaining infelicities reflect the limits of machine translation rather than intent.

ACADEMIC LENS

This post documents what Porges (2011) terms a shift from sympathetic to ventral vagal activation: the nervous system’s gradual movement from sustained threat-readiness toward the physiological state associated with safety, social engagement, and rest. The specific somatic markers described, loose jaw, resting shoulders, unhurried breath, are precisely what Levine (2010) identifies as indicators of successful nervous system discharge following chronic mobilisation. Van der Kolk (2014) emphasizes that trauma treatment cannot proceed through cognitive reframing alone; the body must be given new physical experiences of safety that gradually revise its baseline predictions. The brown pelican observed in this entry functions as what Ulrich (1983) called a restorative natural element: organisms with purposeful, unhurried movement that invite matching attentional rhythms in the observer. The bilingual Spanish-English structure of this post also enacts the methodological argument: that meaning-making happens in the space between languages, and that bilingual expression can access emotional registers unavailable in a single tongue, an insight developed in Anzaldúa’s (1987) borderlands theory of code-switching as an epistemological practice.

Siesta

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Afternoon

The heat has arrived.

By one o’clock, the temperature has climbed into the mid-thirties, and the village has responded the way it responds every afternoon: by stopping. Shops close. Streets empty. Even the dogs find shade and cease their wandering.

Title: Fishing Boat

Photograph from “Siesta”, image 1.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

I am learning this rhythm. Joining the collective surrender to the heat rather than fighting it. After lunch, I close the curtains against the sun, lie on the bed under the ceiling fan, and simply rest.

Rest, rather than sleep. The body horizontal, the mind quiet, time passing without purpose or productivity.

This is siesta. The practical wisdom of a place beyond romanticized tourism, a place that knows heat must be respected. You stop. You release the push-through. You rest. You wait for the world to become livable again.

For twelve days now, I have been learning to stop without guilt. To rest without justifying it. To simply be horizontal in the afternoon heat and let that be enough.

Today, it finally feels natural. Simply the appropriate response to what the day is asking.

El calor manda. The heat commands.

Y yo obedezco. And I obey.

Days of My Life

By three o’clock, the worst has passed. The temperature remains high, but the quality changes. Bearable. Moveable. I get up, drink water, and sit on the shaded patio watching the water.

A pelican flies past. Low and slow. Unhurried.

The village is beginning to wake again. A shop door opens. A car starts. Life resuming its rhythm, altered by the heat and still intact.

I think about the years I spent overriding my body’s signals. Tired but pushing through. Hot but staying at the desk. Needing rest but never quite allowing it because rest felt like failure, like giving up, like evidence that I lacked the strength others seemed to carry so easily.

Title: Afternoon Skies

Photograph from “Siesta”, image 2.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

The wisdom here is different. Rest is a response. It is the appropriate accommodation to conditions that require it.

Twelve days of practising this, and something is shifting. The guilt that used to accompany rest is dissolving. Slowly. But dissolving.

Poco a poco. Little by little.

The body learns what the village already knows: some hours are for work. Some hours are for rest. And knowing which is which is its own kind of wisdom.

Title: Mission Church

Photograph from “Siesta”, image 3.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026


ACADEMIC LENS

The siesta described here is more than a cultural curiosity; it is a somatic practice that enacts what Hersey (2022) calls “rest as resistance”: the refusal of a productivity ethic that treats the body as an instrument rather than a subject. The narrator’s observation that rest “felt like failure” for years names the internalized logic of what Maslach, Schaufeli, and Leiter (2001) identify as the burnout cycle, the compulsive override of the nervous system’s regulatory signals in service of institutional demands. Siesta, by contrast, offers what Levine (2010) describes as a completion cycle: the body allowed to move through activation and into genuine discharge, rather than being driven through exhaustion and back into performance.

The phrase el calor manda, the heat commands, carries epistemological weight beyond its simplicity. It articulates a form of environmental authority that precedes and exceeds human scheduling: what Merleau-Ponty (1945/1962) would recognize as the primacy of the body’s dialogue with its world over the abstractions of clock-time and productivity. The village’s collective rhythm enacts this daily, modelling what van der Kolk (2014) argues trauma survivors must relearn: that the body’s signals are trustworthy guides rather than obstacles to be managed. The recovery described across this entry, from guilt-laden rest to rest that “finally feels natural”, tracks precisely the trajectory Levine (2010) maps as somatic healing: a gradual recalibration rather than a sudden shift,n of the nervous system toward safety.

Day Thirteen: La Tierra Bajo Mis Pies

Reading Time: 9 minutes

The Earth Beneath My Feet

Title: The Sea Etched in the Earth

Photograph from “Day Thirteen: La Tierra Bajo Mis Pies”, image 1.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

I woke this morning thinking about roots.

Actually thinking about roots. About how they reach downward into darkness. About how they find water through the soil. About how they hold plants steady against wind while also drawing nutrients upward into the stem, leaf, and flower. Roots as anchor and conduit. Roots as holding and feeding at once.

My attention has been held by the sea. Twelve days of walking in it, watching it, letting it move through my body. Yet this morning, my awareness shifted downward rather than outward. Toward earth. Toward the land that holds this place, this village, this precise curve of coast where the Sea of Cortez meets the Baja desert.

The land has always been here. I have walked across it daily. Still, my attention treated it as surface, as passage, as the space between cottage and shoreline. Water received my devotion. Land remained in the background.

This morning, I attended differently.

Turning from Water to Land

Today I leave my current space and move to a small village called Nopoló, also settled along the sea’s edge. The change feels subtle yet consequential. A relocation measured in minutes yet weighted with meaning. A shift in orientation rather than distance.

Title: The Colonial Village

Photograph from “Day Thirteen: La Tierra Bajo Mis Pies”, image 2.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Entering the Landscape

In the afternoon, I explore Loreto Bay at Nopoló. The sea, the rock formations, the cliffs. I move slowly, allowing the landscape to lead rather than plans or expectations.

The earth here carries a different texture than the earth I know. Rocky. Sparse. The colour of sand, yet compacted and dense, shaped by centuries of sun, wind, and a climate where rain arrives rarely and leaves quickly. Growth here reflects careful strategy. Cacti store water patiently. Shrubs hold small leaves that conserve moisture. Palms appear only where underground water rises close enough for roots to reach.

This kind of understanding emerges through long attention to place. Anthropologist Keith Basso describes how knowledge forms through sustained presence, through learning how the landscape holds memory, instruction, and meaning over time (Basso, 1996). The Cochimí people lived on this land for thousands of years before the arrival of Spanish missions. They knew which plants carried water in their roots. Which animals moved through during particular seasons? Where springs surfaced after rare rains. How weather revealed itself through birds, air, and light.

I lack this knowledge. Thirteen days cannot produce it. Still, attention can begin. I can notice that the land teaches differently from the sea. Each carries wisdom shaped by its own rhythms.

Learning What the Land Knows

Place-based learning grows from exactly this kind of attention. Knowledge is formed through bodily presence and by noticing patterns, textures, and temporal rhythms associated with a specific location. Gruenewald describes this learning as emerging from a relationship rather than abstraction, from inhabiting a place rather than observing it from a distance (Gruenewald, 2003). Ingold similarly writes that understanding arises through movement, through walking landscapes and learning their contours over time (Ingold, 2021).

Here, the land teaches patience. Economy. Endurance.

Title: The Faces in the Rock

Photograph from “Day Thirteen: La Tierra Bajo Mis Pies”, image 3.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

I climb higher. The street becomes a dirt road. The dirt road becomes a path. The path leads to a small rise where I can see the village below me, the sea beyond it, and the islands visible in morning light across the channel.

I sit on a rock, a rock embedded in the earth, part of the hillside’s bone structure. Warm already from the sun, though the morning is still early. Rough texture. Solid.

My body recognizes this differently from water. Water yields. Shapes itself around you. Holds you through buoyancy, through displacement, through the physics of floating. Rock is what yields to. Rock holds its form. Rock is a limit, a boundary, a fact that stops you.

And yet that framing needs adjusting. Rock does yield. Just slowly. On timescales beyond human body perception. Wind erodes rock grain by grain. Water wears channels through stone. The mountain I am sitting on was once seafloor, thrust up by tectonic forces that continue to reshape this landscape, imperceptibly, constantly.

Geologic time: the scale at which mountains rise and fall, continents drift, oceans open and close. The scale at which everything solid reveals itself as fluid, moving at speeds that make our lifetimes appear like single breaths (McPhee, 1981).

Sitting on this rock, I am sitting on an ancient seafloor. The calcium in my bones came from the same ocean that deposited the limestone this rock is made of. I am made of the same elements as the mountain. Different arrangement. Different timescale. But the same stuff.

My body knows this. My bones recognize stone. The calcium, the minerals, and the slow patient being that both rock and bone share.

Title: The History of Time

Photograph from “Day Thirteen: La Tierra Bajo Mis Pies”, image 4.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Shared Heat

A lizard appears beside me. Small. Brown. Entirely still except for the pulse in its throat and the movement of eyes tracking something unseen.

We sit together for several minutes. Two beings warming ourselves on the same sunlit rock. The lizard remains. I remain. No negotiation. No interaction. Shared occupation.

This differs from encounters with village dogs, which involve social cues and mutual recognition. The lizard and I coexist. The rock holds us both.

When the lizard disappears into a narrow crack, I stay. Feeling warmth against my legs and palms. Feeling how my body prefers stone to sand or grass. Perhaps an ancestral memory. Mammals draping themselves across sun-warmed rock for temperature regulation.

Thermoregulation describes the capacity to maintain internal temperature. Humans rely on metabolism, shivering, sweating, and also behaviour. Seeking the sun. Seeking shade. Using the material world to support cellular life.

The lizard depends on this more actively. Still, I participate as well. Sitting. Warming. Settling.

The land teaches this, too. I am material. I require what stone requires. Stability. Mineral composition. Time. Stone holds what I require. Warmth. Solidity. Memory.

Title: The Breath of the Sea

Photograph from “Day Thirteen: La Tierra Bajo Mis Pies”, image 5.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Land as Relation

Walking back down the hill, I think about Indigenous land relationships. The Cochimí and, later, the Kiliwa and Paipai peoples understood themselves as continuous with the land, responsible to it, and shaped by it (Shipek, 1988). Land existed as a relation rather than a possession.

This understanding largely disappeared within settler cultures. Land became property. Resource. Commodity. Something external to the body rather than continuous with it.

Basso writes that Western Apache people understand places as teachers. Places carry stories. Places remember. Time spent in a place produces change. Knowledge emerges through relationships, shaped by the landscape over time (Basso, 1996).

Thirteen days mark the beginning of this instruction. Teaching arrives through the body rather than language. Bones recognize stone. Lungs adapt to this particular air. Skin acquires a balance among sun, wind, and dryness.

What Place Teaches

This reflects place-based learning. Knowledge formed through sustained physical presence. Through walking contours. Through noticing what grows where and why. Through feeling the weather on the skin. Through reading time through light and seasonal rhythm (Gruenewald, 2003; Ingold, 2021).

The land teaches groundedness. Literal grounding. A reminder that I am terrestrial. That my legs belong to earth. That water offers refuge while land offers belonging.

Title: Sea Bone

Photograph from “Day Thirteen: La Tierra Bajo Mis Pies”, image 6.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Held, Temporarily

The day warms. Pelicans follow their mid-morning patterns. The sea continues its rhythms.

Something has shifted. Attention expands. Land joins water. Earth beneath the cottage. Mountains rising westward. The desert stretches along the peninsula. All alive. All teaching.

Tomorrow I will walk again. Perhaps up the arroyo that cuts through the village, dry now, shaped by rare floods. Perhaps south along the beach where buildings end, and desert meets sea without mediation.

The land has been here long before me. It will remain long after the cottage crumbles and the village becomes another layer in the geologic record. The rock that held me this morning has existed for millions of years. It will continue for millions more.

I am here briefly. The land holds me the way it holds everything. Temporarily. Lightly. Aware that all presence passes, all bodies return borrowed elements.

Gracias, tierra.
Thank you, Earth.

Por sostenerme.
For holding me.

Por enseñarme la paciencia.
For teaching me patience.

Por recordarme que soy hecha de ti.
For reminding me that I am made of you.

Y que volveré a ti.
And that I will return to you.

Title: Shoreline

Photograph from “Day Thirteen: La Tierra Bajo Mis Pies”, image 7.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Walking back down the hill, I think about Indigenous land relationships. How the Cochimí and later the Kiliwa and Paipai peoples understood themselves as part of the land rather than separate from it, continuous with it, responsible to it and for it (Shipek, 1988).

This is what settler cultures have largely lost: the understanding that we are of the land rather than on it. That land is relation, kin, the material basis of existence that cannot be owned any more than you can own your own body (though capitalism tries to convince us we can and should).

Basso (1996) writes about how Western Apache people understand places as teachers. Actually, beyond metaphor. Places hold stories. Places remember. Places shape those who spend time with them. To know a place deeply is to be taught by it, changed by it, made into someone slightly different from who you were before you arrived.

I have been here for thirteen days. The place has begun to teach me. Through presence rather than language, and the land’s own language may always exceed my fluency, but through my body. Through my bones, recognizing stone. Through my lungs, adjusting to this particular quality of air. Through my skin, learning this specific combination of sun, wind, and dryness.

Place-based learning: knowledge that emerges from sustained physical presence in a location rather than from books or lectures, on. From walking its contours. From noting what grows where and why. From feeling the weather on your skin and reading time through light, to learning the daily and seasonal rhythms that make this place what it is.

The land is teaching me something the sea cannot teach: groundedness. Literal grounding. The reminder that I am a terrestrial animal, that I walk on legs designed for earth rather than fins designed for water, that my primary relationship is with solid ground, even when I love the water.

Title: The Tide

Photograph from “Day Thirteen: La Tierra Bajo Mis Pies”, image 8.

Back in my space now. The morning has warmed considerably. The pelicans are fishing their mid-morning pattern. The sea continues its rhythms.

But something has shifted in how I hold my attention. Less focused solely on water. More aware of the land: the earth under the cottage, the mountains rising to the west, the desert stretching north and south along the peninsula. All of it is alive. All of it is teaching.

Tomorrow I will walk again. Different direction perhaps. Up the arroyo that cuts through the village, dry now but carved by occasional floods when rare rains come. Or south along the beach to where buildings end, and desert meets sea directly, no human settlement mediating the meeting.

The land is here. Has been here. Will be here long after I leave, long after the cottage crumbles, long after the village itself becomes another layer in the geologic record. The rocks I sat on this morning have been sitting there for millions of years. They will sit there for millions more.

I am here for thirty days. The land holds me the way it holds everything: temporarily, lightly, knowing that all occupation is provisional, all presence fleeting, all bodies eventually returning to the elements they borrowed.

Gracias, tierra. Thank you, Earth.

Por sostenerme. For holding me.

Por enseñarme la paciencia. For teaching me patience.

Por recordarme que soy hecha de ti. To remind me, I am made of you.

Y que volveré a ti. And that I will return to you.


Translation Note

Note. Spanish-language passages were generated using Google Translate (Google, n.d.) and subsequently reviewed and refined by the author. Any remaining infelicities reflect the limits of machine translation rather than intent.

References

Basso, K. H. (1996). Wisdom sits in places: Landscape and language among the Western Apache. University of New Mexico Press.

Google. (n.d.). Google Translate. https://translate.google.com

Gruenewald, D. A. (2003). The best of both worlds: A critical pedagogy of place. Educational Researcher, 32(4), 3–12. https://doi.org/10.3102/0013189X032004003

Ingold, T. (2021). Being alive: Essays on movement, knowledge and description. Routledge.

McPhee, J. (1981). Basin and range. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

Shipek, F. C. (1988). Pushed into the rocks: Southern California indian land tenure, 1769-1986. University of Nebraska Press.

Academic Lens

Ground beneath the feet, earth, sand, rock, is one of the oldest body-based metaphors for stability. In Levine's (2010) body-based experiencing framework, grounding is a literal therapeutic practice: contact with the earth as a nervous system intervention, activating the sense of being held. The land of Baja California, Cochimí territory, carries no neutrality; this entry is implicitly engaged with what Wilson (2008) calls relational accountability in Indigenous research methodologies: the land has its own knowledge, its own history, and its own rights as a witness.

January 4: Día Cuatro: Caminando el Malecón

Caminando el Malecón on the fourth day: a bilingual reflection on walking the seafront promenade in Loreto, and what the body learns when it is given permission to move slowly, without destination.

Reading Time: 14 minutes

Title: The Bench That Waits

Photograph from “January 4: Día Cuatro: Caminando el Malecón”, image 1.
Artist Statement

It was empty when I arrived.

Empty, waiting. The kind of waiting that holds space for whoever might need it, without straining toward arrival. Positioned between palms and water, the bench faced outward, offering its view without instruction. Sit or continue. Stay or keep walking. The invitation was gentle enough to refuse.

I noticed how naturally my body moved toward it.

As if rest recognizes itself. The slats still cool from morning air, the sea stretching steady beyond the shoreline, mountains holding their distance across the water. Nothing demanded attention. The bench offered comfort directly. It simply provided it.

I stayed just long enough.

But long enough to feel the pause it offered. Long enough to understand that some forms of support ask nothing in return. They exist so that, when needed, we can set our weight down for a moment and remember what it feels like to be held without expectation.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

This morning, I walked.

It sounds unremarkable, and perhaps it is. People walk every day for transportation, exercise, and the simple need to move from one place to another. But this walking was different. This walking was deliberate, unhurried, without destination. I walked the malecón, the seaside promenade that curves along Loreto’s waterfront, and somewhere between my first step and my last, something shifted. I began to find myself in the rhythm of my own feet.

Rebecca Solnit (2001), in her meditation on the history and meaning of walking, observes that the physical rhythm of walking and the movement of thought are deeply intertwined, each step through a landscape corresponding to a movement through ideas. Walking, she argues, is locomotion and so much more. It is a mode of being in the world, a way of thinking with the body, a practice that has shaped philosophers, poets, and pilgrims for millennia. I set out this morning simply to move. I set out to move. But movement, I am learning, has its own intelligence.

El Malecón / The Promenade

The malecón stretches along the edge of the Sea of Cortez, a paved path bordered by palm trees on one side and water on the other. In the early morning, before the heat becomes oppressive, it fills with walkers: elderly couples moving slowly arm in arm, young mothers pushing strollers, fishermen heading to their boats, tourists like me trying to find our place in this unfamiliar landscape.

I joined the flow without speaking to anyone. I was alone in a crowd, solitary yet surrounded, occupying what the sociologist Erving Goffman (1963) called civil inattention: a delicate social contract in which strangers acknowledge each other’s presence through brief eye contact or a nod, then politely look away, granting each other the privacy of public space. There is a particular freedom in being unknown. No one on this malecón knows my name, my history, my roles, my failures. I am simply a woman walking, indistinguishable from any other woman walking, anonymous in the best possible way.

Yi-Fu Tuan (1977), the humanist geographer whose work explores the relationship between people and place, distinguishes between space and place. Space, he suggests, is abstract, undifferentiated, open. Place is space that has been given meaning through experience, through movement, through the accumulation of memory and feeling. I am in the process of transforming this malecón from space into place, step by step, morning by morning, until it becomes somewhere I belong rather than somewhere I am visiting.

Title: Looking Up

Photograph from “January 4: Día Cuatro: Caminando el Malecón”, image 2.
Artist Statement

I noticed the sky because the trees asked me to.

Their trunks moved upward and outward, drawing my gaze away from the ground I had been watching all morning. Palms reaching, bending slightly, as if shaped by years of wind and salt air. I stood beneath them, small in comparison, aware of how rarely I stop long enough to look up without purpose. What held me there was the layering.

Fronds crossing one another. Dark silhouettes against a pale, clouded sky. Movement without urgency. Even the stillness felt alive, suspended between breeze and pause. It reminded me that perspective shifts quietly, sometimes offered by nothing more than changing the direction of your gaze. I stayed a moment longer than expected.

Simply allowing the upward view to hold me. A reminder that rest arrives in many forms beyond lying down. Sometimes it arrives in the simple act of lifting your eyes and letting the world open above you.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

El Ritmo de los Pies / The Rhythm of Feet

There is something about the pace of walking that matches the pace of thought. Frédéric Gros (2014), the French philosopher who wrote a book-length exploration of walking as a philosophical practice, observes that walking is human. When we walk, we move at approximately five kilometres per hour, the pace at which humans have moved for most of our evolutionary history. This is the speed at which the world makes sense, at which details can be noticed, at which the mind can wander without becoming lost.

I noticed things this morning that I would have missed from a car or a bus. A pelican perched on a piling, utterly still, watching the water. An old man mending a fishing net, his fingers moving with the ease of decades of practice. A child chasing pigeons, her laughter bright against the morning quiet. Bougainvillea spilling over a white wall in shades of magenta and coral. A dog sleeping in a patch of sun, so profoundly at peace that I envied him.

These small observations accumulated as I walked, asking nothing, just offering themselves to my attention. This is what the Kaplans (1989) meant by “the gentle pull of the natural world”: the gentle engagement with the environment that allows the mind to rest while remaining alert. Walking provides a constant stream of such fascination: the changing view, the shifting light, the small dramas of ordinary life unfolding at the edges of the path. My attention was held without being captured. I was present without being vigilant.

Una Mujer Caminando Sola / A Woman Walking Alone

There is a particular experience of being a woman walking alone in a public space. Lauren Elkin (2017), in her exploration of female flânerie, the art of wandering through city streets, notes that the figure of the flâneur, the leisurely male stroller who observes urban life, has historically had no female equivalent. Women in public spaces have been subject to scrutiny, harassment, and assumptions about their availability or their morality. The freedom to wander, to be seen without being accosted, to occupy space without justification, has been a privilege unevenly distributed.

Here on the malecón, I felt safe. The morning light, the presence of families, and the openness of the waterfront all contributed to a sense of ease. However, I am aware that this ease is neither universal nor guaranteed. I carry decades of conditioning about where women can go, when, and with whom. I have the vigilance that women learn early, the constant low-level assessment of threat that becomes so habitual it feels like instinct. Walking alone, as a woman, at 60, in a foreign country, is an act of quiet defiance. It is a claiming of space, a declaration that I have as much right to this malecón as anyone.

Sara Maitland (2009), writing about her own experiments with solitude, describes how aloneness for women has historically been framed as socially suspect, as something pathological, dangerous, or a sign of having failed at the relational obligations expected of women. A woman alone must be waiting for someone. A woman alone must be lonely. A woman alone must require rescue, company, or protection. These assumptions persist even when we have consciously rejected them. Walking the malecón alone, I am practising a different narrative: that solitude can be chosen, that a woman can be complete unto herself, that walking alone is pure presence.

I am finding myself, precisely here.

Caminar Como Pensar / Walking as Thinking

Title: Standing with Myself

Photograph from “January 4: Día Cuatro: Caminando el Malecón”, image 3.
Artist Statement

I saw the shadow before I saw the photograph. Cast long across the sand, shaped by a sun beyond my direct view, my body appeared as outline rather than detail. No expression. No colour. Just form held briefly on the surface of the earth. I stood still for a moment, noticing how unfamiliar it felt to look at myself without the usual identifiers. No face. No eyes. Only presence. What stayed with me was the clarity of the silhouette.

There is honesty in shadow. It removes performance. Removes the small adjustments we make when we know we are being seen. What remains is posture. Weight distribution. The simple fact of occupying space. I realized I was looking at evidence of being there rather than proof of who I am. A quieter form of documentation. The sand held me without resistance.

Wind-shaped ridges moving outward in soft repetition, my shadow resting across them without altering their pattern. Temporary. Already shifting as the sun moved. I stood there aware that this is what much of life feels like, moments of presence held briefly on landscapes that existed long before us and will continue long after. I let the shadow remain a while.

I let the shadow remain intact a little longer, recognizing it as companion rather than absence. Beyond loneliness. Beyond solitude. Just the simple act of standing with myself, visible in outline, grounded in light.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

The philosophers understood what neuroscience is only beginning to confirm: that walking changes how we think. Aristotle taught while walking, his students strolling beside him through the Lyceum’s colonnades. Rousseau claimed that he could compose only while walking. Nietzsche held that genuine philosophical thought could only arise in motion (as cited in Gros, 2014). Wordsworth walked an estimated 180,000 miles in his lifetime, composing poems with each step.

Contemporary research supports these intuitions. Oppezzo and Schwartz (2014), in a series of experiments at Stanford University, found that walking significantly increases creative divergent thinking, the ability to generate multiple solutions to open-ended problems. Participants who walked, whether on a treadmill or outdoors, produced more creative responses than those who sat. The effect persisted even after walking ended, suggesting that movement primes the mind for creative thought in ways that outlast the activity itself.

This morning, as I walked, thoughts arose that had been inaccessible during the first three days of sitting and settling. Ideas for writing. Insights about patterns in my life. Connections between things I had read and things I had experienced. It was as if the movement of my body had loosened something in my mind, allowing thoughts that had been stuck, dammed up behind the exhaustion, vigilance, and accumulated tension of years to flow. Walking, I began to think again. Walking, I began to find the thoughts that had been waiting for space to emerge.

Title: A Small Signal

Photograph from “January 4: Día Cuatro: Caminando el Malecón”, image 4.
Artist Statement

The self-portrait arrived without intention. I was watching the shoreline, the way the stones gathered where the tide had last reached, when my shadow entered the frame. Familiar now, this outline of myself appearing unannounced. My hand lifted without planning, two fingers raised in a quiet gesture. For no audience at all. Just a small signal that I was here, standing between water and land, present in the light of that moment.

What stayed with me was how brief it was. The sea kept moving. The sand kept holding its patterns. My shadow shifted as the sun moved, the gesture dissolving almost as soon as it formed. And yet it felt enough. A soft reassurance offered inward rather than outward. I am here. I am steady. Still arriving, even now.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

El Cuerpo Recuerda Cómo Moverse / The Body Remembers How to Move

I have been a swimmer, a triathlete, a woman who pushed her body through marathons and triathlons. Movement has always been part of who I am. But somewhere in the last few months, I stopped. The demands of work, the weight of caregiving, the creeping exhaustion that made even small exertions feel impossible: these accumulated until I no longer recognized myself as someone who moved. I became sedentary. I became still in all the wrong ways.

Walking the malecón this morning, I felt my body remember. The swing of arms, the push of feet against pavement, the rhythm of breath deepening with exertion. It was gentle, nothing like the intensity of training, but it was movement. It was my body doing what bodies are designed to do: carrying us through the world, encountering terrain, responding to the demands of gravity, distance, and time.

Researchers in embodied cognition argue that thinking extends beyond the brain, distributed throughout the body and its interactions with the environment (Shapiro, 2019). We think through the world rather than about it from a position of detachment; we think through our bodies, with our bodies, as our bodies. Walking is a form of thinking. Movement is a form of knowing. When I walk, I am doing something beyond transporting my mind from place to place. I am engaging in a fundamentally different mode of cognition, one that integrates body and world in ways that sitting cannot replicate.

Encuentros / Encounters

Near the end of the malecón, where the pavement gives way to sand, and the tourist hotels yield to fishing shacks, I stopped to rest on a bench. An elderly woman sat at the other end, her face weathered by sun and time, her hands folded in her lap. We nodded at each other, the universal greeting of strangers sharing space.

“Bonita mañana,” she said after a moment. Beautiful morning.

“Sí,” I agreed. “Muy bonita.”

We sat in companionable silence, watching the water. I knew nothing of her name, her story, nothing about the life that had brought her to this bench on this morning. She knew nothing of mine. And yet there was a connection, brief and wordless, the kind of connection that can only happen between strangers who have no agenda, no history, no expectation of each other. Just two women, sharing a bench, watching the sea.

The sociologist Georg Simmel (1908/1971), writing about urban life, described the paradox of proximity and distance that characterizes encounters with strangers. We are physically close, often closer than we would be with intimates, yet socially distant, protected by conventions of anonymity. This distance, Simmel argued, can be liberating. It allows us to be seen without being known, to exist in public without the weight of personal history.

The woman rose to leave, gathering a small bag I had missed until that moment. “Que le vaya bien,” she said. May it go well for you. “Igualmente,” I replied. Same to you. She walked away, and I stayed on the bench, holding the small gift of that encounter, that moment of human connection that asked nothing and gave everything.

Encontrándome / Finding Myself

Title: Where the Water Waits

Photograph from “January 4: Día Cuatro: Caminando el Malecón”, image 5.
Artist Statement

I found it tucked into the wall as though it had always been there, water gathering quietly beneath the carved lion’s face. The stream was gentle, almost ceremonial, falling into the basin without urgency. I stood there longer than I expected, listening to the soft repetition of water meeting stone. There was something grounding in its rhythm, a steadiness that asked nothing of me and yet held the space all the same.

What struck me most was the feeling of offering. The fountain asked nothing of thirst. It simply waited, holding water for whoever might arrive needing pause, reflection, or refreshment. I felt that invitation without having to drink. Just standing near it was enough, reminded that restoration often lives in small, quiet places, flowing patiently until we are ready to receive it.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

What does it mean to find yourself? The phrase is so common that it has become cliché, the stuff of self-help books, wellness retreats and midlife crisis narratives. And yet, walking back along the malecón this morning, I understood something about what it might actually mean.

Finding yourself is encountering something in motion, beyond any unchanging core that has been there all along, hidden beneath roles and responsibilities. The self is no buried treasure. Instead, as the philosopher Charles Taylor (1989) argues, the self is something we construct through our choices, our relationships, our engagements with the world. Taylor (1989) suggests that selfhood is constituted by the things that genuinely matter to us; identity is formed through what w rather than simply discovered,e care about and choose to orient ourselves toward. We find ourselves by discovering what matters, by choosing what to attend to, by moving toward what calls us.

Walking matters to me. I had forgotten, but this morning I remembered. Movement matters. The body in space, encountering the world at the speed of feet, matters. Solitude in public, the freedom to be alone among others, matters. The malecón is teaching me what matters. Each step is a small declaration: this is who I am. This is who I am becoming.

Dan McAdams (2001), the narrative psychologist, suggests that identity is fundamentally a story we tell about ourselves, a personal myth that integrates past, present, and anticipated future into a coherent sense of who we are. Finding yourself in this framework means revising the story. It means writing new chapters. It means recognizing that the self is fluid, authored, made.

I am making myself on this malecón. Step by step, I am writing a new chapter in which I am a woman who walks alone, who claims space, who moves through the world at the speed of thought, who finds herself through solitude, because of it.

Paso a paso, me estoy convirtiendo en quien siempre fui.

Step by step, I am becoming who I always was.

Reflexión de la tarde / Evening Reflection

Title: Daybreak Crossing

Photograph from “January 4: Día Cuatro: Caminando el Malecón”, image 6.
Artist Statement

I arrived before the sun cleared the mountains, when the sea was still holding night in its depths. The horizon glowed slowly, a thin line of gold widening by the minute, as though the day were being poured carefully into the world. Birds crossed the sky in loose formation, their wings catching the first light. I stood still, aware of how quietly morning begins when no one is rushing it forward.

What I felt most was permission. The water moved without urgency. The light unfolded at its own pace. Nothing demanded that I be anything other than present to the crossing from dark to day. In that moment, I understood arrival differently, as something ongoing, something that happens gradually, like sunrise, asking only that I remain long enough to witness it.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

I walked again this evening, as the sun dropped toward the mountains and the light turned golden. The malecón was different at this hour: more crowded, more festive, families out for their evening paseo, that lovely Latin custom of strolling together as the day cools. I was alone among the couples and the families, and I felt held by that rhythm. I felt held by the rhythm of the walk, the beauty of the light, the simple pleasure of a body in motion.

Tomorrow I will walk again. And the day after that. Walking has become my practice here, my daily discipline, my way of being in this place and in this body. Each walk is different: different light, other encounters, different thoughts arising from the rhythm of feet. And each walk is the same: the same path, the same sea, the same self, meeting the world one step at a time.

Solnit (2001) remarks that the pace of genuine thought roughly matches the pace of walking, and that contemporary life, moving far faster than either, routinely outruns the capacity for real reflection. Here in Loreto, I am slowing down to the speed of thought. I am letting my mind keep pace with my feet. I am finding myself in the ordinary miracle of movement, of breath, of a body carrying me through a world that reveals itself slowly, step by step, along a malecón I am learning to call my own.

El camino me enseña quién soy.

The path teaches me who I am.

Un paso a la vez.

One step at a time.

Title: My Dirty Shoes

Photograph from “January 4: Día Cuatro: Caminando el Malecón”, image 7.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

References

Elkin, L. (2017). Flâneuse: Women walk the city in Paris, New York, Tokyo, Venice, and London. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

Goffman, E. (1963). Behaviour in public places: Notes on the social organization of gatherings. Free Press.

Gros, F. (2014). A philosophy of walking (J. Howe, Trans.). Verso.

Kaplan, R., & Kaplan, S. (1989). The experience of nature: A psychological perspective. Cambridge University Press.

Maitland, S. (2009). A book of silence. Granta.

McAdams, D. P. (2001). The psychology of life stories. Review of General Psychology, 5(2), 100–122. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.5.2.100

Oppezzo, M., & Schwartz, D. L. (2014). Give your ideas some legs: The positive effect of walking on creative thinking. Journal of Experimental Psychology: Learning, Memory, and Cognition, 40(4), 1142–1152. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0036577

Shapiro, L. (2019). Embodied cognition (2nd ed.). Routledge.

Simmel, G. (1971). The stranger. In D. N. Levine (Ed.), Georg Simmel: On individuality and social forms (pp. 143–149). University of Chicago Press. (Original work published 1908)

Solnit, R. (2001). Wanderlust: A history of walking. Penguin.

Taylor, C. (1989). Sources of the self: The making of the modern identity. Harvard University Press.

Tuan, Y.-F. (1977). Space and place: The perspective of experience. University of Minnesota Press.


Note. Spanish-language passages were generated using Google Translate (Google, n.d.) and subsequently reviewed and refined by the author. Any remaining infelicities reflect the limits of machine translation rather than intent.

Academic Lens

Walking the malecon as daily ritual embodies what Pink (2013) calls sensory ethnography: knowledge gathered through the moving, attentive body in a specific place. The body adapting to a new rhythm, new smells, sounds, temperatures, signals the early stages of body-based regulation that Levine (2010) describes as the nervous system's capacity to "track" safety. The bilingual form of this entry reflects the way the Spanish-speaking environment was generating a different kind of cognitive and embodied presence.

ACADEMIC LENS

Walking as a research method has a long tradition in what O’Rourke (2013) calls “walking methodologies”: the mobile body as instrument of inquiry, the act of moving through space as a form of thinking. This day-four entry on the malecón traces what Tuan (1977) calls the phenomenology of place attachment: how a landscape becomes meaningful through repeated bodily encounter, through the accumulation of sensory memory that gradually transforms space into place. The proximity of the sea is methodologically central rather than incidental,ral: Blue Mind research (Nichols, 2014) documents the measurable calming effect of blue spaces on the human nervous system, partially explaining the restorative quality of this daily practice. The bilingual notation, moving between Spanish place names and English reflection, performs what Anzaldúa (1987) describes as the writing of the borderlands: language that belongs fully to neither territory and thus opens a third epistemological space. The early-project quality of this walk, still tentative, still scanning, still learning what it means to move without agenda, also documents the initial stages of what Levine (2010) calls somatic re-orientation: teaching the nervous system, through repeated safe experience, that purposeless movement is permitted.

Day Ten: La Fundación

Reading Time: 10 minutes

Evening

Ten evenings. I am starting to understand why I came here.

Blue dissolving into gold, gold bleeding into rose, rose deepening into violet. Del azul al oro, al rosa y al violeta. I have watched this transformation from this balcony for ten evenings now, and it has never been the same twice. The colour shifts with cloud cover, humidity, and the presence or absence of wind. Each sunset is singular. Unrepeatable. A gift offered once and then gone.

I am learning to receive it without trying to hold it.

This is harder than it sounds. My instinct, honed by decades of academic work, is to document, analyze, and pin down. To turn experience into data that can be preserved, referenced, and cited. But sunsets resist this treatment entirely. They happen, they transform, they vanish. All you can do is be present while they occur.

Title: Shadows that Haunt Me

Photograph from “Day Ten: La Fundación”, image 1.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Ten days. Diez días.

It feels both longer and shorter than that. Longer because so much has shifted, the sleep that consolidates, the thoughts that clarify, the nervous system that learns to trust. Shorter because time here moves differently from time in my old life. The days unfold rather than accumulate into weeks that must be gotten through. They simply unfold, each one complete in itself.

This morning I wrote about being ready for deeper work.

This afternoon, I discovered whether that was true.

Three hours reading Kaplan and Kaplan’s The Experience of Nature. Dense academic writing. Multiple theoretical frameworks were synthesized. Complex arguments are built across chapters. The kind of scholarship that, a month ago, would have required multiple passes, extensive notes, and constant backtracking to passages still just beyond my grasp.

Today, it made sense on first reading.

Title: Rock Art

Photograph from “Day Ten: La Fundación”, image 2.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Some concepts will need return visits to sit with and let marinate. But the basic structure of their argument, the way they build their case for nature experience as psychologically restorative, the relationship they trace between environmental qualities and cognitive restoration, is clear. Accessible. My mind is following along without forcing it.

This is what full cognitive capacity feels like. The ability to think deeply, with them. To follow sustained arguments. To hold multiple ideas in relationship. To synthesize.

The relief of this is enormous.

I had begun to wonder whether the cognitive impairment was permanent. Whether months of sleep fragmentation and chronic stress had done lasting damage. Whether I would ever again be able to engage with complex theory the way I once had.

The answer, apparently, is yes. Given sufficient rest, given release from chronic threat, given time for the nervous system to recalibrate, the capacity returns.

Arnsten’s research on stress and prefrontal function helps me understand why. When the nervous system operates in a defensive state for extended periods, blood flow and glucose are redirected away from the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s executive centre, toward more primitive structures involved in survival. This is adaptive in the short term. Nuanced analysis is useless when facing immediate danger. You need fast, automatic responses.

But when the threat becomes chronic, when the nervous system never gets the signal that it is safe to stand down, those executive functions simply go offline. Offline. Temporarily unavailable. The biological infrastructure that supports complex thought is taken out of commission to conserve resources for survival.

These ten days have convinced my nervous system that the emergency is over. Those resources can be redirected back toward thinking, toward curiosity, toward engagement with ideas.

The prefrontal cortex is online again.

Gracias, cuerpo. Thank you for this restoration.

Title: The Skies Above Me

Photograph from “Day Ten: La Fundación”, image 3.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

After reading, I stopped.

This is remarkable, though it may sound otherwise.

For years, I have operated with a productivity logic that says: if you can still function, you should keep working. Rest is what you do when you literally cannot continue. Until then, push.

This afternoon I was tired. Just tired in that natural way that comes after sustained intellectual engagement. My body said enough for now. And I listened.

I made lunch. Sat on the patio. Ate without reading, without working, without multitasking. Simply ate. Tasted the food. Felt the sun.

Title: Lunch

Photograph from “Day Ten: La Fundación”, image 4.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Then I lay in the hammock for an hour.

Resting in a hammock in the afternoon with the sound of waves, the movement of air, and the warmth of the sun filtered through palm fronds.

This is what Nash means when he writes about Scholarly Personal Narrative as a practice of presence. Being fully in the experience, beyond just documenting it. Allowing yourself to notice what is actually happening rather than constantly narrating it, analyzing it, and turning it into something useful.

Sometimes you just lie in a hammock.

That is the whole story.

Title: Rocks!

Photograph from “Day Ten: La Fundación”, image 5.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Late afternoon, I walked.

Beyond fitness goals or counted steps. Without a destination in mind. Just walking because my body wanted to move, and the beach was there, and the light was beginning to change.

I walked north until I reached the tide pools. Sat on a rock. Watched small crabs scuttle between crevices, tiny fish dart through shallow water, sea anemones open and close their delicate tentacles.

Title: Sea Life

Photograph from “Day Ten: La Fundación”, image 6.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

An entire world in a depression carved into stone by centuries of waves.

Time felt different there. Expansive. Unhurried. As though the afternoon had all the space it needed, and there was no rush to get to the evening. Merleau-Ponty (1945/2012) writes about lived time, time as experienced rather than measured. Time expands when you are fully present and contracts when you are anxious about what comes next.

When I finally stood to walk back, my legs were stiff from sitting, but my mind was quiet in a way months had taken from it. The constant low-level hum of anxiety, the voice that is always calculating, planning, worrying about what needs doing next, had simply stopped.

This is what Kaplan calls “the gentle pull of the natural world.” The quality of engagement that holds your attention gently, without effort, without demanding anything. Natural environments provide this. The movement of water. The scuttling of crabs. The opening and closing of anemones. Your attention is engaged and unhurried. And in that gentle engagement, something in the nervous system settles.

The quiet way nature restores us. Theory argues that modern life depletes what they call “directed attention,” the capacity to focus on tasks that require effort, to inhibit distraction, and to sustain concentration. We exhaust this capacity constantly: driving in traffic, responding to emails, sitting through meetings, forcing ourselves to concentrate on work that holds little natural interest.

Nature restores directed attention by allowing rest rather than stimulating further. By providing what Kaplan calls “being away,” a break from the demands that deplete us. By offering the gentle pull of the natural world, engagement without effort. By creating compatibility between what the environment offers and what we need in that moment.

Sitting on that rock watching tide pools, I was away. I was softly fascinated. The environment was perfectly suited to what I needed.

And something that had been tightly wound for months finally loosened.

Title: Sea Gulls Fishing

Photograph from “Day Ten: La Fundación”, image 7.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Evening now.

I made dinner as the light began its transformation. Simple food: canned fish with lime, rice, and vegetables. Ate on the patio. Watched the birds complete their final fishing runs before settling for the night.

Title: Dinner Time

Photograph from “Day Ten: La Fundación”, image 8.

The pattern is so familiar now that I could set a clock by it. Morning fishing. The midday rest. The late afternoon fishing. The evening returns to roosting sites. Day after day, the same rhythm.

Rich in variation, each day holds its own. Weather. Wind. The presence or absence of baitfish near the surface. Sometimes the pelicans fish alone. Sometimes in groups. Sometimes they dive from great heights. Sometimes they simply skim the surface, plucking small fish without submerging.

The rhythm allows for variation. The variation occurs within rhythm. Neither negates the other.

I am learning this. Estoy aprendiendo esto.

Slowly.

What has ten days built?

I have been asking myself this as the light fades and the first stars appear. What is different now from ten days ago when I arrived at this cottage, suitcase still packed, uncertain whether I knew how to stay?

Sleep: Three nights of sleeping through. The pattern is consolidating. My nervous system, learning that night, means rest: that darkness is safe, that vigilance can be released for seven hours without catastrophe.

Cognition: Prefrontal cortex restored. Can read complex theory. Follow sustained arguments. Synthesize across frameworks. Think without forcing each thought into existence through sheer will.

Embodiment: Being in my body rather than trying to manage it from outside. Can feel sensations without them being threatening. Can notice needs before they escalate into emergencies.

Rhythm: Evening sequence established. Morning patterns are consolidating. The body learns to read time through environmental cues, light quality, temperature, and the pelicans’ flight patterns, rather than the external demands that structured my old life.

Trust: the foundation beneath everything else. My nervous system is beginning to trust. Trust that this environment is safe. Trust that rest will come. Trust that the next crisis can find me unhurried, the next email that changes everything, the next announcement that requires scrambling, repositioning, and proof of worth.

The foundation holds.

Tomorrow I will build on it. More reading. More theoretical engagement. Days eleven through twenty move toward integration, bringing embodied experience into conversation with scholarly frameworks. Seeing how research illuminates what the body already knows. Contributing, eventually, to conversations about solitude and healing and the conditions that support nervous system regulation.

But tonight I simply rest in what ten days have created. In the capacity that has been restored. In the trust built brick by brick, through consistent rhythms and environmental cues, my conscious mind barely registered, but my nervous system tracked with precision.

Title: Sea of Cortez

Photograph from “Day Ten: La Fundación”, image 9.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Long enough to begin.

In an hour, I will begin the evening sequence. The rituals my nervous system has learned to recognize as the approach of rest.

Dinner already eaten. Dishes washed. Cottage tidy. All the small acts of care that signal: evening is here, night is coming, you can begin to let go.

Will I sleep through tonight? Fourth night in a row would confirm the pattern even more strongly. It would give my system even more evidence that this is real, sustainable, and trustworthy.

But even if I wake, even if tonight fragments again, I know more now than I did ten days ago. I know what supports sleep. I know what environmental cues signal safety. I know how to maintain conditions even when the immediate results fall short of my hopes.

Healing releases control of outcomes. It is about maintaining conditions and trusting the system to respond.

I cannot force my nervous system to trust. But I can keep creating the circumstances that make trust possible. Keep following rhythms. Keep honouring the body’s signals. Keep providing the environmental conditions required for safety.

The actual sleeping, the actual healing, the actual transformation. These happen in their own time. Beyond conscious control. According to processes more ancient and wiser than anything my conscious mind can manage.

All I can do is maintain the conditions and step aside.

El umbral. The threshold.

I stand on it tonight. Looking back at the ten days that built a foundation. Looking forward to twenty more that will build on it.

Here. On this threshold. Leaving what was behind, arriving toward what comes next. Noticing what is.

The foundation holds. My body knows this. My nervous system has learned, through accumulated evidence, that conscious thought played almost no role in gathering. Tomorrow I build upward from here.

But tonight, esta noche, I rest.

The pelicans have settled for the evening, wherever it is they go when light fails, and the sea turns dark. The stars are beginning to appear, one by one, then a handful, then too many to count. The waves continue their patient rhythm, the same rhythm they have maintained for millions of years, the same rhythm they will maintain long after I have left this place and returned to whatever life awaits me back home.

And I sit on the balcony on the tenth evening, holding the question that all thresholds hold:

What becomes possible when the foundation is sound?

Tomorrow I begin finding out.

La fundación sostiene.
The foundation holds.

Mañana construimos hacia arriba.
Tomorrow we build upward.

Pero esta noche, solo esto.
But tonight, just this.

El mar. Las estrellas. El ritmo constante.
The sea. The stars. The constant rhythm.

Y un cuerpo que finalmente descansa.
And a body that finally rests.


Translation Note

Note. Spanish-language passages were generated using Google Translate (Google, n.d.) and subsequently reviewed and refined by the author. Any remaining infelicities reflect the limits of machine translation rather than intent.

References

Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410–422. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2648

Kaplan, R., & Kaplan, S. (1989). The experience of nature: A psychological perspective. Cambridge University Press.

Kaplan, S. (1995). The restorative benefits of nature: Toward an integrative framework. Journal of Environmental Psychology, 15(3), 169–182. https://doi.org/10.1016/0272-4944(95)90001-2

Merleau-Ponty, M. (2012). Phenomenology of perception (D. A. Landes, Trans.). Routledge. (Original work published 1945)

Nash, R. J. (2004). Liberating scholarly writing: The power of personal narrative. Teachers College Press.

ACADEMIC LENS

The concept of foundation, la fundación, names the epistemic shift that occurs when the body has rested sufficiently to become a reliable ground of knowing. Levine (2010) describes this as the “somatic floor”: the felt sense of bodily stability from which genuine movement and exploration become possible. Before the nervous system can restore, it requires what Porges (2011) calls cues of safety, consistently repeated signals that the environment is no longer hostile. Ten days of such signalling represents, neurologically, the beginning of what van der Kolk (2014) calls the revision of implicit memory: the gradual updating of the body’s baseline predictions about what the world holds. The bilingual form of this entry also enacts a kind of foundation: Anzaldúa’s (1987) argument that the borderlands between languages constitute an epistemological ground from which new thought becomes possible, precisely because neither language’s existing categories can fully contain the experience being named. The foundation built here is thus simultaneously somatic, linguistic, and methodological.

Los Perros del Pueblo

Reading Time: 9 minutes

The Village Dogs

“You do not have to be good. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.”
Mary Oliver, 1986

The dog stands at the table as though she has been invited. Beyond begging. Beyond servility. Simply present, front paws on the table’s edge, looking out at the Sea of Cortez with the same quality of attention a person might bring to a sunset. Behind her, the early morning light turns everything gold: the water, the sand, the palm fronds moving in whatever breeze comes off the ocean this time of day. A plate of food sits on the white tablecloth. A drink sweats condensation in the heat. The dog notices these things the way you notice things that are simply part of the landscape, neither wanting them nor turning away from them. Just acknowledging: yes, these are here too.

Title: Dog Enjoying the Sunrise

Photograph from “Los Perros del Pueblo”, image 1.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

I took this photograph this morning at a beachside restaurant where I enjoyed a cup of coffee. The dog appeared from nowhere in particular and everywhere at once. She checked the table the way dogs check things: a quick assessment to see whether this moment held anything that required her attention. Then she placed her paws on the table’s edge and turned her gaze outward, toward the water. The owner is getting coffee.

What struck me then and still strikes me, looking at the image now, is her posture. There is no asking in it. No supplication. No performance of need is designed to elicit care. She works toward nothing. She is simply a dog standing at a table at the edge of the sea, and if that position happens to be where food and drink exist, well, that is where food and drink exist. It leaves unchanged the essential fact of her presence, which requires no justification beyond itself.

I sat there for perhaps twenty minutes watching her. Other tourists approached, took photos, and moved on. A waiter brought fresh coffee to the table. No reluctance. No hurry. This part is complete; the next follows, and both are equally fine.

The village dogs of Loreto have been teaching me something I had yet to discover I needed to learn.

I wrote about them briefly in the early days here: the brown dog with gentle eyes who appeared that first evening, who sniffed my hand and then simply stood beside me in the fading light, two beings with nowhere particular to be. I called her a companion then, though companion suggests a relationship more defined than what we actually share. She appears. She stays, or she leaves. She requires nothing. I offer nothing beyond my presence. And somehow this non-relationship has become one of the steadiest features of my days here.

She is far from the only one. There are perhaps a dozen dogs I see regularly in the village. Brindle and brown and black and that particular dusty tan that seems designed by evolution to blend with sand. Well-fed, free of ownership. Collared occasionally (someone’s gesture of care) but clearly belonging to no one, or perhaps more accurately, belonging to everyone and therefore to themselves.

They move through the village with an ease I recognize as what I am attempting to learn. No schedule. No destination that must be reached. No performance of purpose to justify their occupation of space. They simply are where they are; when they are somewhere else, they are there instead, and the transition requires no explanation, no apology, no account of why the first place stopped being right and the second place became necessary.

Title: My Lady Friend

Photograph from “Los Perros del Pueblo”, image 2.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

I have been watching them for twelve days now with increasing attention. The way they navigate public space without claiming it. The way they accept care without becoming obligated. They rest in the middle of sidewalks, streets, or restaurant patios without any apparent concern about inconveniencing anyone. And the remarkable thing (the thing I am still trying to fully understand) is that the village allows this. More than allows it. Holds it. Make space for it. Treats it as simply as it is.

In the city where I lived for twenty-five years, this would be impossible. Dogs in restaurants must be leashed, under control, and clearly attached to responsible humans. Dogs on public beaches require permits. Dogs that exist without visible owners raise concern: Who is responsible for this animal? Who will manage it? Who vouches for its right to occupy space?

The questions come automatically, reflexively, born from a culture that cannot imagine existence without ownership, without someone being accountable, without the clear assignment of responsibility and control.

But here, the dogs simply exist, and the village simply lets them be. Feeds them when they are hungry. Gives them water when they are thirsty. Tolerates their presence at tables, in shops, and on beaches. And the dogs, for their part, seem to understand the unspoken agreement: we are here together, you and we, and the terms of our togetherness require neither ownership nor abandonment, neither claim nor rejection, just this ongoing negotiation of shared space that somehow works without anyone having to articulate the rules.

I realized, walking back to the cottage in the heat, that I had seen six different dogs in the space of an hour, and each one had seemed perfectly at ease wherever it was. No anxiety. No performance. Just dogs being dogs in the various locations where dogs be.

This is remarkable when you think about it. These are beyond the category of pets that have learned to read human moods and respond to human needs. These are beyond the working dogs with assigned tasks. These are dogs who have somehow negotiated a way of existing alongside humans without becoming dependent on them, without losing whatever essential dog-ness makes them what they are.

They are, I realize, practising aloneness. Beyond the human version (the one that requires choosing, intending, and reflecting on whether you are doing it right), but alonetude nonetheless. Being with others without losing themselves. Accepting care without becoming obligated. Moving between community and solitude as each moment requires, without any of it needing to be a statement, a position, or a defended choice.

I have been thinking about what these dogs are teaching me about being in community without being consumed by it.

“Settling in asks surrender of nothing. It is choosing to stay with yourself.” Amy Tucker, 2026

For twenty-five years, I worked in an institution that demanded constant availability, constant responsiveness, and constant proof that I was committed, present, and performing my role adequately. Contract faculty hold far less authority to set boundaries than tenured faculty. You are available when needed. You adjust your schedule around theirs. You say yes even when yes costs you more than you can afford because saying no might mean being asked again.

This creates a particular relationship to community and to solitude. Community becomes something you perform. Solitude becomes something you seize in stolen moments, knowing you will be interrupted, knowing you need to stay alert for the email, the call, or the meeting that suddenly arises and requires an immediate response.

The village dogs know nothing of this exhaustion. They exist in what I can only describe as a gift economy so old and so embedded that it has become invisible. The village feeds them because that is what the village does. The dogs provide companionship because that is what dogs provide. No contract. No performance evaluation. No calculation of whether the exchange balances.

Just: this is how we are together. These are the terms of our coexistence. It holds, or it falls away; if it stops holding, adjustments are made, but none of it requires the elaborate structure of obligation, debt, and credit that governed my professional relationships for all those years.

Watching them, I realize what I am trying to recover. Beyond isolation (I have never wanted that, and this month of intentional solitude has been about drawing near, never about fleeing human contact). What I want is what the dogs have: the capacity to be with others without losing myself. To accept care without becoming obligated. To offer presence without performing. To know when I need to be alone and when I want company, and to trust that both needs are legitimate and neither requires extensive justification.

The dogs are alone together. Present in the community, beyond being consumed by it. They rest in public space without apology. They approach when something interests them and walk away when it no longer does. And somehow the village holds this, makes room for it, allows dogs to be dogs even amid human activity.

This is the model I am learning to inhabit. Beyond the isolation of withdrawal: the freedom of undefended presence. Being here without bracing. Receiving care without owing. Offering attention without depleting myself.

The brown dog is here again. She has been here for perhaps forty minutes. I have been writing. Neither of us has required anything of the other. We are simply here together, she in her rest and I in my work, and the togetherness asks nothing beyond the acknowledgment that we both occupy this space.

Photograph from “Los Perros del Pueblo”, image 3.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

The dog knows without any of this apparatus. She knows when to trust and when to be wary. She knows when to approach and when to hold distance. She knows when someone will feed her and when someone will pass by. She knows where shade is in the heat of the day and where the evening breeze comes first. She knows all of this immediately, without thought, without reflection, without the constant meta-commentary that humans call consciousness.

This is no less knowing. It is different knowing. And it might be the knowing I most need to recover: the capacity to respond to what is without the endless mediation of thought about response. To be hungry and eat. To be tired and rest. To want solitude and take it. To want company and seek it. Without justification. Without explanation. Without the entire apparatus of defence and rationalization that precarious employment had built into me so deeply, I forgot it was anything other than natural.

Just: this is what the body knows. This is what the moment calls for. This is what I do.

The Freedom to Simply Be

“I am allowed to land. I am allowed to stay. I am allowed to soften.”

Amy Tucker, 2026

The dog has left now. I missed her leaving. I was focused on writing, and when I looked up, she was simply gone, off to wherever dogs go when they go. The light continues its shift toward darkness. Soon I will make dinner, following the rhythm that has become automatic. The evening will unfold as it has unfolded for eleven evenings before this one.

But something feels different tonight. Less effortful. Less monitored. As though I am finally beginning to inhabit the routine rather than performing it. Beginning to trust that my body knows what it needs and when, and that I can simply trust without constantly checking and verifying that I am resting correctly.

The dogs are teaching me this. How to be present without performance. How to accept care without obligation. How to exist in a community without losing the capacity for solitude. How to move between togetherness and apartness as the moment requires, without any of it being a statement or a defence or a position requiring elaborate justification.

Los perros del pueblo. The village dogs. Teachers with no awareness teach. Companions who require no relationship. Beings who practice alonetude so naturally they have no word for it because it is simply how they are.

I am learning from them. Slowly. With all the awkwardness of someone who forgot and is now remembering. But learning nonetheless. And tonight, this twelfth evening of intentional solitude, I feel closer to what they know. Closer to trusting my own knowing, the way they trust theirs. Closer to being what I am without the constant overlay of thought about whether I am being it correctly.

And I think again of Mary Oliver, the poet who reminded us to let the soft animal of the body love what it loves. Who asked, without urgency but with piercing clarity: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do / with your one wild and precious life?”

For the first time in a long while, I feel like I have an answer, though beyond words, and beyond any plan. It is in the small things: in the way I sit without bracing, in the way I walk without explanation, in the way I trust the day to shape itself without my need to define it in advance.

I, too, find my front paws on the table’s edge, beyond asking, beyond waiting, just watching the water shift its shape, and feeling the sun arrive exactly as it is.

Beyond performance. Beyond striving.

Just this: the body knows. The moment knows. The dog knows.
And that knowing, I am learning, is enough.

Thank you, my lady friend.

References

Haraway, D. J. (1988). Situated knowledges: The science question in feminism and the privilege of partial perspective. Feminist Studies, 14(3), 575–599. https://doi.org/10.2307/3178066

Oliver, M. (1986). Wild geese. In Dream work (pp. 14–15). Atlantic Monthly Press.

ACADEMIC LENS

Mary Oliver’s epigraph frames the entire village dogs reflection within a philosophical permission: that being requires no justification, that presence is sufficient. This resonates with Buber’s (1970) distinction between I-It and I-Thou relationships: the dog at the table occupies an I-Thou orientation, fully present without agenda, offering the kind of unconditional regard that Buber identifies as the ground of genuine encounter. The observation that the dog is “beyond begging, beyond servility, simply present” enacts what Moustakas (1961) calls the courage of loneliness: the willingness to be fully oneself without performing for others’ acceptance. For the precarious academic who has spent nineteen years performing compliance and availability, the dog’s unapologetic presence becomes a somatic lesson. Menakem (2017) describes this kind of encounter with non-human creatures as a form of co-regulation: the settled nervous system of an animal can, through proximity, help to entrain a dysregulated human nervous system toward greater calm. The bilingual dimension, the Spanish village, the dogs that belong to no one and to everyone, also invites Anzaldúa’s (1987) reading: the in-between creature as the embodiment of borderlands wisdom.

El Umbral

Reading Time: 12 minutes

The Threshold

Title: Morning Held in a Cup

Photograph from “El Umbral”, image 1.
Title: Morning Held in a Cup

The coffee cooled faster than I expected.

I had carried it outside before the day fully formed, before voices rose from the pathways below, before the shoreline began its quiet negotiations with footsteps and movement. The mug sat heavy in my hands, ceramic warmed by what it held, painted with colours that felt brighter than the hour itself. Loreto written across it, as place, briefly touching my palms, without declaration. I realized I was holding geography in a way maps never allow. Heat. Weight. Stillness.

What struck me was the pause.

I let it sit first. I let the steam lift, let the horizon remain slightly out of focus beyond the wooden railing. There was comfort in the blur, in allowing the world to stay softened while I woke into it slowly. No urgency to begin the day. No performance required. Just breath, warmth, and the steady presence of water beyond sight but within reach. It felt like a continuation of something I had been learning here, that mornings can be received rather than seized. They can be received.

I thought about how many cups of coffee I have held in my life.

Behind counters. At kitchen tables. In classrooms before students arrived. Each one marking a threshold between effort and endurance, between showing up and staying anyway. This cup felt different. It had everything to do with how I was sitting with it. Unhurried. Unguarded. Simply present to the small ritual of warmth against my hands, aware that sometimes the most profound forms of steadiness arrive quietly, asking nothing more than that we hold them long enough to feel their heat.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Arrival rarely looks the way we imagine it will.

There is the physical act of stepping into a room, setting a bag down, and closing a door behind you. And then there is the quieter arrival that unfolds beneath the surface, the one that takes longer, the one the body negotiates in its own time. I landed in Loreto yesterday, somewhere between waking and dreaming, my sense of time dissolved by two flights and several hours of transit. The body arrives first. The breath follows. The mind lingers behind, still scanning, still carrying the vigilance of the life I have temporarily left.

Estoy cansada. I am tired. The phrase surfaced unbidden as the taxi wound through the quiet streets of this small town on the Sea of Cortez. I said it aloud, testing how Spanish felt in my mouth after so many years. The driver glanced at me in the rearview mirror and nodded. Sí, se ve, he said gently. Yes, it shows.

Presence of self, rather than absence of others.

Cruzando / Crossing

I came here alone. That sentence still feels radical, even as I write it. At 60, after nineteen years navigating the relentless demands of academic life, I booked a solo retreat to a place where I know no one, where no one expects anything of me, where the only schedule is the one I choose to keep. The decision carried both relief and a strange tenderness, as if I were doing something slightly forbidden.

Arnold van Gennep (1909/1960), the anthropologist who coined the term liminality, described thresholds as spaces of transition, neither fully one thing nor another. The word itself comes from the Latin limen, meaning “boundary” or “doorstep”. To stand on a threshold is to occupy the space between what was and what might be, to hover in the doorway before stepping through. That is where I find myself tonight: on the threshold between the life I have been living and something I cannot yet name.

Victor Turner (1969), building on van Gennep’s work, described liminal spaces as places where ordinary structures dissolve, where the usual rules loosen their grip. He called this betwixt and between, a phrase that captures the particular disorientation of transition. I feel that disorientation now, sitting on a terrace overlooking water I have never seen before, in a country where I speak the language imperfectly, in a solitude I have chosen but am only beginning to inhabit.

El umbral es el lugar donde todo puede cambiar.

The threshold is the point at which everything can change.

Title: Después de Años de Disrupción / After Years of Disruption

Photograph from “El Umbral”, image 2.
Title: Where Sound Holds Time

I arrived before the bells moved.

The tower rose out of the morning sky with a kind of quiet authority that asked nothing and yet remained undeniable. Stone layered upon stone, holding heat from centuries of sun, holding prayer, grief, celebration, confession, all sedimented into the structure itself. I stood at its base looking upward, aware of my own smallness against its vertical reach. Contextualized rather than diminished. Placed within a timeline far longer than my own.

What struck me most was the anticipation of sound.

The bells hung still, suspended in that brief space before motion. I found myself listening for something still ahead, aware that when they did ring, the vibration would move through air, through wall, through body. There is something about churches that organizes silence differently. Even emptiness feels structured. Held. As though quiet itself has been practised here long before anyone enters.

I stayed outside first.

I stayed at the threshold, aware that entry is never only architectural. It is emotional. Spiritual. Historical. To cross from sunlight into that interior dimness would be to step into accumulated presence. So I remained outside a while longer, letting the bells remain still, letting the stone hold its stories without requiring mine to be added. Some places ask for reverence through participation. Others offer it simply through standing close enough to feel time moving slowly around you.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Presence of self, rather than absence of others.

This arrival carries history. After the pandemic, many people learned how to be alone in ways they never intended. Isolation arrived suddenly, unevenly, and without consent. Homes became offices. Screens replaced faces. Silence grew louder, then exhausting. Loneliness took many forms, some quiet, some crowded, some invisible even to those experiencing them.

Coming into solitude by choice feels different. And yet the body remembers. It holds traces of vigilance, of separation, of longing for connection that went unmet during those long months. Bessel van der Kolk (2014), in his landmark work on trauma, reminds us that the body keeps the score, storing experience in tissue and nervous system long after the mind has moved on. My body carried the pandemic here, tucked into my luggage alongside my journal and my watercolours. Arrival asks me to acknowledge that history rather than rush past it.

Tricia Hersey (2022), founder of The Nap Ministry, writes that rest is resistance, a refusal to participate in systems that reduce human worth to productivity. For those of us who survived the pandemic by working harder, by performing wellness while quietly falling apart, rest can feel transgressive. Choosing solitude after years of forced isolation requires a different kind of courage: the willingness to be alone on purpose, to trust that this time the aloneness will heal rather than harm.

La Primera Noche / The First Evening

At first, habit took over. I considered unpacking everything immediately. I thought about schedules, routes, and productivity. My mind offered a list of things I could accomplish before bed: organize the kitchen, plan tomorrow’s meals, and respond to the emails still waiting on my phone. This reflex runs deep, an inherited habit shaped by a world that rewards motion and punishes stillness.

So I sat.

I let the room remain unfinished. I left the bag zipped. I noticed how my shoulders softened when there was nowhere else to be. Outside, light shifted almost imperceptibly, the desert mountains turning pink and then purple as the sun dropped toward the sea. Inside, something settled.

The Kaplans (1989), environmental psychologists who developed the quiet way nature restores us theory, describe specific environments as offering the gentle pull of the natural world, a gentle hold on attention that allows the mind to rest while remaining engaged. Natural settings, they argue, restore depleted cognitive resources by providing stimulation that requires effort to ignore but minimal effort to attend to. The sea outside my window offers exactly this: something to watch without watching, something to hear without listening, something to receive without reaching.

I opened the windows and let the evening in. Salt air. The distant sound of waves. A dog barking somewhere in town. These sounds asked nothing of me. They existed, and I lived alongside them, and for the first time in longer than I can remember, that felt like enough.

El Acto Radical / The Radical Act

Title: Night Fire, Inner Quiet

Photograph from “El Umbral”, image 3.
Artist Statement

I found this place after most people had gone in.

The courtyard held that particular kind of night silence that is never empty, only softened. Chairs pushed back. Glass tables catching reflections of low light. The ocean somewhere beyond the dark, present but unseen. And in the centre, the fire already burning, as if it had been waiting for someone willing to sit without conversation.

I stood at the edge first, feeling the heat reach outward in small waves. Fire reorganizes space differently than daylight does. It draws the body inward. Invites stillness without demanding it. I noticed how the flames moved, steadily consuming what had already been offered. There was something reassuring in that rhythm. Transformation happening without spectacle.

Eventually, I sat.

To accompany the burning. To watch what happens when wood becomes ember, when form gives way to glow. I thought about how many versions of myself had been shaped in similar fires, slow, unseen processes of change that only reveal themselves in hindsight. The courtyard remained quiet. The flames continued their patient work. And for a while, I let the night hold me there, lit just enough to feel present, but held within it.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Arriving alone carries a particular tenderness. There is no one to absorb the moment for you, no one to narrate the experience to, no one whose presence dilutes the intensity of meeting yourself in an unfamiliar place. You stand at the threshold, and you stand there alone, and whatever comes next is yours to receive without mediation.

For women, especially women at midlife, this can feel revolutionary. Carol Gilligan (1982), in her foundational work on women’s psychological development, described how women often define themselves through relationships, through care for others, through responsiveness to needs that are rarely their own. To step away from those relationships, even temporarily, can feel like abandonment, like selfishness, like a betrayal of everything we were taught to value.

I think about my mother in Lethbridge, 80 years old, navigating widowhood in the house that still holds her husband’s absence. I think about the colleagues who will cover my responsibilities while I am away. I think about all the ways I have been trained to feel guilty for taking up space, claiming time, and prioritizing my own restoration. And then I think about what Audre Lorde (1988) wrote, that caring for myself is an act of political warfare, a refusal to participate in my own depletion.

Tonight, I am practising that refusal. I am letting the bag stay zipped. I am letting the emails wait. I am allowing myself to be tired without apologizing for it, without performing recovery before recovery has had a chance to begin.

Descansar es un acto de valentía.

To rest is an act of courage.

Title: Between Palms and Water

Photograph from “El Umbral”, image 4.
Artist Statement

I sat down without planning to stay long.

The chair faced the water, but my body settled first into the pause rather than the view. Two palms stood directly in front of me, their trunks close enough to feel companionable, their fronds catching the last light of the day. Beyond them, the Sea of Cortez moved in its steady, untroubled rhythm. Undramatic. Unclaiming. Just continuing.

What I noticed most was the layering of distance.

My feet resting in the foreground, grounded and still. Sand stretching outward in soft, wind-marked patterns. Trees spaced across the shoreline like quiet sentinels. And then the horizon line, holding everything without urgency. I felt held within those layers, neither separate from the landscape nor fully absorbed by it. Present, but gently so.

There is a particular quality to sitting alone at the edge of day.

The body softens. Breath lengthens. Thought loosens its grip. Nothing is being asked. Nothing needs to be solved. In that moment, I was beyond researching, teaching, producing, or proving. I was simply occupying space, allowing the environment to meet me without expectation.

I stayed longer than I thought I would.

Long enough for the light to shift. Long enough to feel that familiar return to myself that happens when stillness is given time rather than rushed through. The palms remained. The water continued. And I sat there, suspended briefly between land and horizon, aware that presence sometimes arrives quietly, asking only that I remain.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Lo que enseña el agotamiento / What exhaustion teaches

Jet lag is a strange teacher. It strips away the usual defences, the ability to perform wellness even when wellness is absent. Christina Maslach (Maslach & Leiter, 2016), who pioneered research on burnout, defines the syndrome as a combination of emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, and reduced personal accomplishment resulting from chronic workplace stress. I recognize myself in that definition more than I would like to admit. I have been running on empty for longer than I knew, and the running itself became invisible, just the way things were, just what the job required.

Tonight, stopped at last, I can feel how tired I actually am. It lives in my bones, in the heaviness of my limbs, in the way my eyes want to close even as my mind keeps scanning for the next thing to do. Stephen Porges (2011), the neuroscientist who developed the theory of how the nervous system responds to safety and threat, explains that our autonomic nervous system evaluates safety and danger through a process he calls the body’s instinct to scan for safety. The assessment below consciousness shapes our physiological state. My body’s instinct to scan for safety has been calibrated for threat for so long that even here, in this quiet room by the sea, my body remains on alert, still scanning for turbulence that is no longer present.

It will take more than one evening to convince my nervous system that it is safe. But this evening is where that convincing begins.

Antes de Dormir / Before Sleep

The night has deepened. The sea is audible but invisible now, just the rhythm of waves and the occasional cry of a night bird. In Kamloops, it is late. In Lethbridge, my mother is probably already asleep, her scriptures on the nightstand, her prayers said, the space beside her filled with faith and memory. I am connected to her across the distance, connected to everyone I love, even as I sit here alone.

This is what I am beginning to understand: solitude is a relational state, shaped by the connections we carry with us even when those we love are far away. Netta Weinstein and colleagues (2021) found, in their narrative study of solitude across the lifespan, that our sense of connection to others profoundly shapes the experience of being alone. Solitude becomes restorative when it is chosen, when it is bounded, when it exists within a larger web of relationships rather than as exile from connection.

I chose this. I bound it with return tickets and phone calls home, and the knowledge that thirty days will end. I carry my people with me, held in my heart rather than in my hand. And from that holding, I can begin to rest.

Mañana será otro día. Tomorrow will be another day. For now, I am letting this one be enough. I am letting exhaustion teach me what it knows: that I have been carrying too much, that the carrying has cost me, that setting the weight down, even for a moment, is the first step toward remembering what it feels like to be whole.

He llegado.

I have arrived.

Por ahora, eso es todo lo que necesito hacer.

For now, that is all I need to do.

Title: Elegance in Impermanence

Photograph from “El Umbral”, image 5.
Artist Statement

She was already standing there when I walked by.

Umbrella lifted. Dress falling neatly to the ground. There was something composed about her posture, as if she had paused rather than been placed. I noticed the pink first. Soft. Careful. Almost celebratory against the stone behind her.

What stayed with me was the contrast.

Bone and colour. Stillness and personality. The small details, the hat, the purse, the way she seemed dressed for presence rather than disappearance. Honest, rather than morbid. A quiet reminder that identity and expression persist past the finite edges of a life.

I stood there longer than I expected.

Simply noticing. The humour, the dignity, the gentleness within the figure. A simple moment of being reminded that impermanence and beauty can exist in the same space.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

References

Gilligan, C. (1982). In a different voice: Psychological theory and women’s development. Harvard University Press.

Hersey, T. (2022). Rest is resistance: A manifesto. Little, Brown Spark.

Kaplan, R., & Kaplan, S. (1989). The experience of nature: A psychological perspective. Cambridge University Press.

Lorde, A. (1988). A burst of light: Essays. Firebrand Books.

Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Understanding the burnout experience: Recent research and its implications for psychiatry. World Psychiatry, 15(2), 103–111. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20311

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and finding our own calm. W. W. Norton & Company.

Turner, V. (1969). The ritual process: Structure and anti-structure. Aldine Publishing.

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

van Gennep, A. (1960). The rites of passage (M. B. Vizedom & G. L. Caffee, Trans.). University of Chicago Press. (Original work published 1909)

Weinstein, N., Nguyen, T.-V., & Hansen, H. (2021). What time alone offers: Narratives of solitude from adolescence to older adulthood. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, Article 714518. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.714518

I am still walking. I am still staying anyway.


Translation Note

Note. Spanish-language passages were generated using Google Translate (Google, n.d.) and subsequently reviewed and refined by the author. Any remaining infelicities reflect the limits of machine translation rather than intent.

ACADEMIC LENS

El umbral, the threshold, occupies the conceptual centre of this project: it is the liminal space Turner (1969) described as the territory between one identity configuration and another, where transformation becomes possible precisely because the habitual self-structure has yet to reassert itself. The morning coffee ritual described here enacts what van Gennep (1960) called rites of passage in miniature: small, repeated ceremonies that mark the boundary between states of being and create the conditions for transition. Bachelard’s (1969) phenomenology of intimate space is directly relevant: the cup held in both hands, the morning light through the window, the first sip before the day’s demands arrive, all constitute what he calls the “felicitous space” of the inhabited moment. The bilingual form of this entry, moving between Spanish and English without explanation or apology, enacts Anzaldúa’s (1987) argument that the borderlands between languages are epistemological rather than merely geographic,ical: to move between tongues is to move between ways of knowing, and the threshold is precisely the place where such movement becomes possible.

Day Eight: ¿Y Si Me Suelto?

Reading Time: 6 minutes

What If I Let Go

I woke this morning with a tightness in my chest that had nothing to do with the night before.

The sleep had been deep, the room cool, the sea audible through the open window. Everything about this place says rest. And yet my body woke braced, as though preparing for something that never arrived.

I lay still for a long time, watching the ceiling lighten. Trying to name what I was feeling.

It took a while to find the word. When it came, it surprised me.

Fear.

The Shape of It

The fear lives elsewhere. I have settled into Loreto more easily than I expected. Solitude has become companionable. Silence I am learning to inhabit.

The fear is of what happens if I truly let go.

For years, decades, I have held myself together through effort. Through vigilance. Through the constant, quiet work of monitoring, anticipating, and performing competence. I have been the one who could be counted on. The one who showed up prepared. The one who held more than her share because holding felt safer than asking for help.

That holding has become so familiar that I cannot quite imagine who I would be without it.

And so the fear: if I release the grip, if I stop the vigilance, if I truly rest, will I ever want to return to life as it was? Will I lose the capacity for striving that kept me employed, that kept me useful, that kept me worthy of belonging?

Will I, in some fundamental way, stop being the person I have always been?

The Paradox of Letting Go

There is a strange paradox here. I came to this retreat because I was exhausted by the holding. Because the vigilance had worn grooves in my nervous system that no longer served me. Because I wanted, desperately, to rest.

And now that rest is possible, I am afraid of it.

Afraid that rest will undo me. That I will sink into it and never surface. The woman who emerges from this month will be unrecognizable to herself and to others. That she will have lost her edge, her drive, her usefulness.

The fear reveals how deeply I have tied my worth to my capacity for effort. How thoroughly I have believed that I am only as valuable as what I produce.

Brené Brown (2010) calls this the use of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as a measure of self-worth. She identifies it as one of the things we must consciously release if we want to live what she calls a wholehearted life. Reading those words years ago, I nodded in recognition. Living them is harder.

Title: Halfway There

Photograph from “Day Eight: ¿Y Si Me Suelto?”, image 1.

Credit: Amy Tucker, 2026

Creating Safety for the Self

In my academic work, I have written about psychological safety: the conditions that allow people to take interpersonal risks without fear of embarrassment, shame, or punishment (Edmondson, 1999). In classrooms and workplaces, psychological safety means being able to ask questions, admit mistakes, and offer ideas that might fail. It means knowing that vulnerability will be met with support rather than judgment.

I have spent years trying to create psychological safety for students. I have rarely thought about creating it for myself.

What would it mean to approach my own interior with the same care I offer others? To make it safe for myself to rest without proving I deserve it? To let go without requiring a plan for what comes next?

Psychological safety, I am learning, begins within. It begins with the quiet assurance that I will stay with myself, whatever surfaces. That I will meet my need for rest with gentleness. That I will carry this retreat forward as what it is: a return to myself.

The body knows when it is safe. Stephen Porges (2022) has shown that feelings of safety arise from internal physiological states and from cues that signal the nervous system can stand down from vigilance. Those cues can come from the environment, from the relationship, from the breath, from the stillness.

They can also come from the stories we tell ourselves about what we are allowed to need.

The Fear Beneath the Fear

There is another fear beneath this one, harder to name.

I am afraid that if I let go completely, I will lose the capacity to love the life I have built. That the stillness will reveal how much of my striving was compensation rather than calling. That I will look back at my career, my choices, my years of effortful contribution, and feel only exhaustion rather than meaning.

I am afraid of becoming someone who no longer wants to return.

And beneath even that: I am afraid that letting go will reveal an emptiness I have been running from. That, without the structure of obligation, without the identity of educator, without the constant motion, I will find nothing but blank space where a self should be.

This is the fear that woke me this morning. This is what tightened my chest before dawn.

Staying With It

I left my phone untouched. I resisted the pull toward plans or tasks or the small urgencies that usually rescue me from discomfort.

I stayed.

I let the fear be present without trying to fix it. I breathed into the tightness in my chest. I asked, with as much curiosity as I could muster: What are you trying to protect?

The answer came slowly. The fear is trying to protect me from loss. Loss of identity. Loss of purpose. Loss of the scaffolding that has held my life in place for so long.

I thanked it. I mean that genuinely. The fear has kept me functional through years that might otherwise have broken me. It has helped me show up when showing up was required. It has been a kind of armour, and armour serves a purpose.

But armour is heavy. And I am in a place now where I can set it down, even briefly. Even experimentally.

An Experiment in Trust

What if letting go means finding? What if the woman who emerges from stillness is clarified rather than diminished? What if rest reveals presence rather than emptiness?

I cannot know without trying. I cannot know from the outside. I can only know by going in.

Brown (2010) writes about cultivating intuition and trusting faith, which requires letting go of the need for certainty. Certainty is what I have always sought. Plans, structures, contingencies. The illusion that if I prepare enough, I can prevent loss. The illusion that control keeps me safe.

Here in Loreto, the illusion is harder to maintain. The sea holds itself apart from my plans. The mountains hold their shape with or without my watching. The pelicans fish without consulting my schedule. Life here unfolds without my management, and it unfolds beautifully.

Perhaps I, too, can unfold without so much management.

Perhaps the self that emerges from stillness will be someone I recognize after all. Perhaps she will be someone I have been waiting to meet.

Morning, After

I made coffee. I carried it to the small balcony. I sat in the chair that had become familiar over these eight days and watched the light strengthen over the water.

The fear remained. It sat beside me like a companion, still present but no longer gripping. I had acknowledged it. I had listened. I had refused to let it drive me back into motion.

This, I think, is what the discipline of staying means. It means feeling the fear fully. It means feeling the fear and remaining anyway. It means creating enough safety within myself to be present with uncertainty, with open-handedness, with the vulnerability of letting go.

The morning was quiet. A boat moved slowly across the bay. Somewhere, someone was beginning their day with purpose and direction. I was beginning mine with a question still ahead of me.

That felt honest. That felt like enough.

¿Y si me suelto? What if I let go?

I hold the question open. But I am willing to find out.


Note. Spanish-language passages were generated using Google Translate (Google, n.d.) and subsequently reviewed and refined by the author. Any remaining infelicities reflect the limits of machine translation rather than intent.

References

Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you are supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.

Edmondson, A. (1999). Psychological safety and learning behaviour in work teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350–383. https://doi.org/10.2307/2666999

Google. (n.d.). Google Translate. https://translate.google.com

Porges, S. W. (2022). nervous system safety: Attachment, communication, finding our own calm. W. W. Norton & Company.

ACADEMIC LENS

The question at the heart of this post, ¿y si me suelto?, “what if I let go?”, names the central therapeutic and existential challenge that van der Kolk (2014) identifies in trauma recovery: learning to release the chronic muscular and psychic bracing that survival required, even when survival is no longer at stake. Menakem (2017) describes this as “settling the body”: the slow, somatic process of convincing the nervous system that it may relax its vigilance. The bilingual framing is significant: posing the question first in Spanish allows it to arrive before the analytical English mind can intercept and evaluate it. Anzaldúa (1987) argued that bilingual expression can bypass habitual cognitive filters, accessing emotional knowing that monolingual discourse forecloses. The arts-based imagery accompanying this reflection functions within what Levine (2010) calls the “felt sense”: the pre-linguistic bodily awareness that must be engaged for deep somatic change to occur. Buber’s (1970) I-Thou ontology also resonates: letting go may be understood as releasing the I-It relationship with one’s own body, the instrumental management of the self, in favour of a more receptive, present, and mutual encounter with one’s own experience.

La Continuación / The Continuation

Reading Time: 6 minutes

I woke before the light this morning. I woke free of anxiety. My thoughts moved gently rather than racing toward demands. I was simply awake in the way an animal wakes: aware, present, responsive to some internal signal that sleep was complete and consciousness could return. I slept solidly last night.

Title: Crack of Dawn

Photograph from “La Continuación / The Continuation”, image 1.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

The darkness held a particular quality at this hour. It was dense and gentle. The Sea of Cortez whispered rather than spoke, its sound intimate and close, as though sharing secrets only pre-dawn can hear. I lay there listening, tracking the gradual shift from deep black to grey to that moment just before sunrise, when the world begins to remember colour.

Fifth morning of unbroken sleep. Cinco mañanas.

I notice how differently I hold this information now than on Day Nine, when the pattern first established itself. Then it felt miraculous, fragile, something that might shatter if examined too closely. Now it feels ordinary. It is natural-ordinary, the way breathing is ordinary: essential, life-sustaining, but no longer requiring constant amazement.

My system no longer scans for threats upon waking. It simply wakes, assesses the environment as safe through accumulated data points (consistent sounds, familiar light patterns, the absence of disruption), and allows consciousness to emerge without the defensive mobilization that characterized my mornings for months before arriving here. This is how we steady one another with place. The sea, the light, and the flight patterns of pelicans are my companions in restoration. My nervous system orients to their constancy.

This is re-inhabitation. A return to the deeper rhythms that survived beneath who I had to become. Learning has shifted from conscious recognition to what the body knows. From something I observe to something I am.

The light is beginning now.

Title: A View From My Deck

Photograph from “La Continuación / The Continuation”, image 2.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

I can see it even with my eyes closed: the gradual brightening that comes before sunrise, the world remembering itself. I get up, pull on clothes, and walk to the balcony. The pelicans are already fishing, their morning routine as established as my own has become.

I watch one pelican dive. The complete commitment of it: wings folding, body dropping, the compact missile of intention entering water with barely a splash. Surfaces. Waits. The fish is visible in the throat pouch, and the backward tilt of the head sends it down. Then stillness. Complete stillness. The body rests on water while the system processes what it has caught. No hurry. The pelican rests with what it has before seeking the next fish. Digests. Allows the body to complete one cycle before beginning another.

Esto también es una enseñanza. This, too, is a teaching.

The pelican dives because its body signals hunger, beyond any schedule that dictates it should fish at this hour. This is intrinsic motivation in its purest form: action arising from internal states rather than external pressures or rewards.

For nineteen years, I lived according to externally imposed rhythms. What I was experiencing, I now understand, was chronic autonomy frustration, one of the three basic psychological needs Self-Determination Theory identifies as essential for well-being.

This kind of exhaustion is disproportionately borne by women. Especially those navigating midlife in systems that reward endless availability and punish embodied limits. What I am naming here extends beyond personal recovery. It is a reclamation of rhythm in a world that teaches women to ignore their own.
What Gabor Maté (2022) calls “the myth of normal” is unravelling. I no longer pathologize exhaustion or anxiety as personal flaws. I see them as natural responses to abnormal conditions, conditions I am now beginning to unlearn.

Title: What is Normal?

Photograph from “La Continuación / The Continuation”, image 3.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

Twelve days ago, I arrived here holding the question of whether I could stay. I am here. The days unfold. The routine continues. And somewhere in the last twelve days, I stopped asking for permission and simply started living.

This is what Haraway (1988) means by situated knowledge: beyond abstract theorizing about what knowledge might be, grounded in the concrete recognition that I am in this body, in this place, at this moment, noticing what I notice. That observation matters.

Coming here, choosing this documentation, claiming this experience as scholarship: these are acts of resistance against that denial. I am saying my knowing matters. My observation counts. My embodied experience constitutes valid data.

The sunrise is happening now. The pattern provides structure. The variation provides life.

How do I document my own experience with enough rigour to make it a scholarship while remaining present enough to actually experience what I am documenting?

The theoretical scaffolding continues to build. But this morning, before the reading begins, I simply sit with what is here. Water. Birds. Light. Breath. The embodied reality that theory helps me understand but cannot replace.

And you, reading this: what has your morning taught you? What rhythms in your life have asked to be trusted, held without cross-examination?

Coffee now. The smell of it. The warmth of the cup. The first sip that signals morning has arrived, you are awake, and the day is beginning.

I think about routine again. It has stopped feeling like a constraint and has become a container. The predictability allows spontaneity because the calculating has quieted.

My body is learning to read time by sunrise, by the pelicans’ fishing patterns, by the quality of light at different hours. These serve as zeitgebers, helping my disrupted circadian system recalibrate to a more natural rhythm.

Now I know the difference. Freedom is a structure you choose that holds you safely and that you can trust to continue even when you stop monitoring it.

Soon I will swim. What I am learning through swimming is what Csikszentmihalyi (1990) calls flow, though the flow I experience is quieter than what he typically describes.

Perhaps this is what alonetude looks like in motion. Beyond performance or accomplishment. Just being fully present with yourself in an activity that asks nothing beyond presence itself.

Title: Rock Art

Photograph from “La Continuación / The Continuation”, image 4.

Photo: Amy Tucker, © 2026

La luz me sostiene. The light holds me.

El mar me enseña. The sea teaches me.

Y mi cuerpo recuerda. And my body remembers.


Translation Note

Note. Spanish-language passages were generated using Google Translate (Google, n.d.) and subsequently reviewed and refined by the author. Any remaining infelicities reflect the limits of machine translation rather than intent.

References

Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. Harper & Row.

Google. (n.d.). Google Translate. https://translate.google.com

Haraway, D. J. (1988). Situated knowledges: The science question in feminism and the privilege of partial perspective. Feminist Studies, 14(3), 575–599. https://doi.org/10.2307/3178066

Maté, G., & Maté, D. (2022). The myth of normal: Trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture. Avery.

ACADEMIC LENS

The quality of waking described here, “aware, present, responsive to the world and unbraced against it,” represents what Porges (2011) calls ventral vagal activation: the biological state that underlies genuine curiosity, openness, and engagement. Van der Kolk (2014) distinguishes this from the forced calmness of emotional suppression: true regulation is characterized by ease rather than management. The image of “waking the way an animal wakes” deliberately bypasses the self-monitoring of the institutionalised academic subject, invoking instead Menakem’s (2017) concept of embodied animal wisdom: the somatic knowing that precedes and grounds conceptual thought. The word “continuation” also carries methodological weight: this entry records the continuation rather than any breakthrough or arrival, ongoing quality of a process, the steady accumulation of new somatic experience that Levine (2010) identifies as the mechanism of healing. It is the persistence of the changed nervous system state across days, rather than a single dramatic shift, that constitutes genuine recovery. Richardson and St. Pierre (2005) would recognize this daily writing practice itself as part of the inquiry: the journal entry as data, the noticing as method.